We kicked off the new year with a new round, and with every new round comes new changes and goodies. So, what's new? Let's talk about it!
UI Changes Account Theme!
Make your UK Mafia experience a little more you. You can now set your theme to any color you'd like!
You can find the color picker in the 'Account Theme' menu of the 'Account Settings' page.
Sticky Top Bar!
Are you tired of going down the casino rabbit hole and losing track of what's important?
Have you ever had to stop and think about the last time you committed a crime? Well wonder no longer!
The top timer bar now stays at the top of your page when you scroll for ease of access.
Mission Button!
Are you guilty of meticulously setting up your Favorites menu and still forgetting about your missions? I know I am.
Is that pesky new 5 minute cooldown timer between missions messing up your flow? Me too!
Wouldn't it be cool if there was a button to remind you about your missions?
I thought so too! So I asked for one and FreeStyle delivered
You can now find the mission button in the left hand bar with the other hot buttons. Take a break from jail busting and pop over to check on your missions with a single click!
I love a facelift this time of year!
• Some minor adjustments have been made to the look of in game menus and elements
• We've also made some logo and icon changes! New Year, New Look :D
Feature Changes
• Ranks have been set back to 30, and prestige has been removed.
And no, I'm not crying about the loss of the bar timer and encounter buffs. There's just something in my eye, geez!
• Cars and Boats will no longer be able to be melted after being sent.
No more holding out for the Kev Fairy, ladies and gentlemen. There's a hero in all of us and it's in you too! Brush up on your hotwiring techniques and get out there and steal some vehicles!
• OC fails now give some experience
Maybe the real experience is the OC friends we made along the way
• Smuggle runs now give rank points (exponential based on rank and can be boosted by personal or global boosts)
A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor. You deserve more than a nice pay day for tracking down those smuggle routes!
There might be some engine problems and cracked hulls to deal with, it only makes sense to be rewarded with experience for your problem solving
• Scratch cards now have a progressive jackpot attached. Starting at £15m and rising quickly.
The current jackpot is a jaw-dropping £400,004,125! (At the time I'm writing this!) Will you be the one taking it home, dear reader?
• Traits now have a distinct feature to each to help balance them out But what are the traits? I'm glad you asked, let's break 'em down!
Assassin (Killing)
• Access to 'The Foundry.' Where bullets are produced at random intervals throughout the day
• Search times up to 10 minutes quicker on average
Banker (Money)
• Doubled rank rewards
• Only trait which can hold Bank Properties (And you get a 12% cut of any money transfers sent through your bank!)
Criminal (Ranking)
• Higher base XP level (More XP for everything)
• Reduced OC timer
• Drug boost has been changed and drug runs are now smaller, you can get the drugs boost in the mission store.
• Safety has returned and is set at 1 week, or until reaching rank 14.
• Double XP, Triple XP and Factory Production boosts have been given a slider to choose how many hours you wish to activate for.
Want to share the love or get some late night stocking done while you have the cities to yourself? Use those sliders to create a boost that fits your needs!
Kill / Bullet Changes
• Minimum bullets are now higher and increase per rank.
• Bullets have been removed from the point store.
• Kill search has been changed, now you can only search for a user once until you have found them, you may then search again.
• Search times have been changed to be much closer. The Assassin Trait will be much more effective for searching.
• Kill now has a significant XP gain when you have a successful shot. (Can be boosted by Global or Personal boosts!)
• Backfire mechanism has been reverted to the classic 'Set per rank block' way.
You can set how much backfire you wish to shoot at users who miss you based on their rank.
This also means that backfire is not taken from you account and you can effectively no longer 'hide' bullets here.
If you have an amount of backfire set and do not have the bullets to shoot that amount on hand, you backfire will NOT become active.
Other Significant Changes
• You now have an 'Accounts' page located in the top right context menu, where you can see past accounts (based on the email you signed up with,) Life Insurance lock-codes associated with those accounts and much more.
• Lottery returns. You now pick the numbers and the jackpot can roll over from one draw to the next.
Pick your own numbers, be wracked with indecision and go with a lucky dip, or look at the newly added Draw History and Data tab to pour over the numbers and craft your perfect lottery ticket!
You can purchase 10 tickets per draw, and the lottery is drawn once each day.
At the time of writing this article, nobody has hit the estimated £297.0 million jackpot yet. Who knows? Maybe you'll hit it first, dear reader.
• Point exchange has been removed.
• Witness statements have been removed from the point store.
• Bullet and Kevlar owners will now receive considerably more from sales, tax has been halved.
• Family Bullet and Kevlar factories now produce double the amounts per day.
Miscellanous Changes
Along with everything mentioned above, many other smaller things around the game have changed.
We've worked hard to make as much change without affecting how the round plays out, but we love to hear ideas from our players in order to make improvements and fix bugs.
We've had quite a few since the round kicked off, so why don't we dig into them now for a quick refresher?
• Foundry - The Foundry now adds to syndicate just like the Bullet Factory does.
• Lottery - A slight problem with how lucky dips were being chosen has been fixed.
• User Stats - Rank level and percentage added to the top of your stats in the left hand menu.
• Drugs - Bug where you couldn't buy any drugs in the location your mission was in has been fixed.
• OC Time - Bug with failed OC's setting the timer to 4 or 5 hours has been fixed.
It should now be 1.5 hours for the Criminal Trait, and 3 hours for all others, regardless of the outcome.
• Scratch Cards - The Scratch All button has been added back to Scratch Cards. (Thanks for the idea, Zante!)
• Organised Crimes - Leaders now get a notification when a player joins their Organised Crime. Both public and via Invite. (Thanks for the idea, Penguin!)
• Life Insurance Policies - Now ALL Life Insurance policies will include Mission Coins.
Whichever policy you buy, you will receive that percentage of return on the mission coins held on the dead account at the time of death.
• Stats Time - A rank board has been added to the 'Leaderboards' section (Found in Main Menu > Game Info.) You can see where you account stands beside all the others.
• Mission Cooldown - The information message you receive has been updated to include the time left until you will receive your next mission.
• Oil Tankers - You can no longer use Oil Tankers in a boat deposit mission.
• Ranks /Ranking - Ranks have been adjusted. Ranking should new feel more fruitful, but will still not be easy.
• New Bar Item - A new bar item, The Lucky Cocktail, has been added. You can now order up a lucky cocktail that boosts your item finding changes by double for 10 minutes!
You can stack these and have as many minutes as you please.
• Family Bullet Factory and Kevlar Factory - Production values have been increased to 5k bullets and 3.5k kevs. The cost of the two has also been reduced considerably.
• New Casino - Keno has been released and is now available under your casino menu. This casino is not player owned, and does have a progressive jackpot!
• Point Recovery - When you die with points on your account, you will have the option to recover them on the points page when you sign back in!
• Dashboard - Follower time has been added to the stats timers on the dashboard. (Thanks for the idea, HocusPocus!)
• Banks - Bank Profit is now shown to bank owners (Thanks for the idea, Negan!)
• Casinos - The Casino control panel now has the City and Casino in the header of the table. (Thanks for the idea, HocusPocus!)
• Family Cities - Families are now in control of the drugs in whichever city they are based! They receive all profits from the buying of drugs and must pay out on all drugs sold in that city.
If they do not have the money in the family bank, users will not be able to sell in that city.
• Gambling Feature Jackpots - Slots, Scratch cards and Keno have had their jackpot amounts capped at 400 million.
Lottery will continue to rise, and after some time, FreeStle may do a guaranteed jackpot draw :D
• Smuggling - Smuggling is now over 50% more profitable, and has no cooldown between smuggles.
Charter plans still reduce smuggle time, and having 5 of these will reduce smuggle times to 45 minutes. (Thanks for the idea, Matty!)
• Profile Page - When a user has been killed, the page now shows which (if any) family that user belonged to.
• Bullet / Kevlar Factories - Max pricing has been reduced ever so slightly. This shouldn't affect owners profits too much, but will make a difference to all other players.
• XP Tweaks - A few small XP tweaks have been added:
- Added some XP to Advanced and Petty Crimes
- Doubled Smuggle XP
- Increased family OC by around 25%
- Mug XP is now doubled
• Mug Timers - Mug timer resets were not meant to be included and as such have been removed from the game.
Any mugs that were done using the method were reversed, and any points/mission coins used to reset timers were refunded.
I understand this one ruffled a few feathers, but I've included it in the paper to ensure we're all on the same page about it. Moving on...
• XP for Points - As promised, XP for points has returned. There are 2 options (Small and Large boosts.)
As a reminder to all players, it will only work with global XP boosts and not personal boosts. They are only boosts and may help for the last few % of a rank or help during a mission.
They also continue to be limited to 10 large and 15 small boosts in 7 days.
• OC Cooldown Time - Fixed a problem where a certain position in each OC was being reset to 1.5 hours regardless of the trait.
• Lotto Stats - As mentioned above, you can now view all the last draws and which numbers have appeared most often.
• Casino Interfaces - Your balance now shows on the page, and updates after every bet. (Thanks for the idea, Obaida!)
Do you have an idea you'd like to see added to the site? Make sure you post it to the idea center, or pop over to the Discord server and drop a new conversation in the Discussions channel.
Additionally, if you have any bugs to report, make sure to reach out to me or one of my fellow staff members with any info you have.
You can also drop a new conversation about it in the Bug-Reports channel if you prefer, we'll be happy to help get you sorted!
But I know what you guys are thinking... Stop yapping about the updates, Pidgeon! Get to the good stuff!
And to that I say - your wish is this humble Editor's command.
Let's head on over to the Graveyard to pay our respects!
UK Mafia Graveyard
The first week of the round was a peaceful one thanks to the ceasefire that was put into place, but all good things must come to and end...
The kill page opened up at 2PM UK Time on January 13th, and you guys were more than happy to get the carnage started.
So how did you fare? Did the opps catch you lacking? Did you wipe somebody's nose? Or did you do the thing we all dread and miss a shot? :O
Let's find out!
Unlimited Power?
Who's all powerful and capable of doing anything?
Certainly not Omnipotent, who became the round's very first victim thanks to an impressive shot of 280,000 bullets from HocusPocus, who was avenging his Kaguya account from the previous round. International Mafia had it hands busy mourning a fallen member, but it turns out The Circus wasn't the only family with murder on their minds...
Think Of Me In The Depths of Your Despair
A mere two minutes after Omnipotent was shot dead, tragedy befell the International Mafia family once more when TwentyOne dropped Adele with a staggering 199,000 bullets.
A similar attack was pulled off last round so I guess you could say that history repeats itself, but what for? The use of an emoji or just general irritation?
You'd have to ask TwentyOne, who decided it was a good enough reason as any to throw the Virtuoso family into the mix.
Not Just Clowning Around
They were two members down, but the International Mafia family certainly wasn't going down without a fight, proud leader Noodle quickly taking to the streets to get her revenge.
He may have been masquerading as a cheerful jester, but HocusPocus was a fierce opponent and the last thing Noodle wanted to do was miss - so she made sure that wasn't possible with a jaw-dropping 700,000 bullets.
With one down and one to go, Noodle reloaded her AK-47 and carried on.
TwentyOne, Can You Do Something For Me?
About a half hour after HocusPocus met his demise, Noodle stepped back on the scene to ask TwentyOne a favor.
The favor, you ask? Simple. Noodle just wanted her members to stop being shot. And what better way to guarantee compliance than by punctuating the request with 280,000 bullets?
They had suffered attacks from two different families, but International Mafia proved they were no strangers to violence themselves, enacting revenge just as swiftly despite the odds.
Just Picked A Whole Bouquet Of Oopsie Daisies
So was Noodle delivering justice or was she squaring away the flowers for her own funeral? I guess you could say it was a bit subjective, or maybe even a little bit of both.
Regardless of where you fall on the debate, The Circus certainly had some thoughts on the perfect flower for the occassion, OopsieDaisy in particular. Noodle managed to survive long enough to avenge her fallen members but then she ultimately met her demise, OopsieDaisy shooting her down with a hefty 400,000 bullets.
A Dish Best Served Cold and To Excess
As it turns out, The Circus had a little more in store for International Mafia after it was done avenging HocusPocus.
Rather than leaving the exchange at shot for shot and stopping with Noodle, Orb followed up OopsieDaisy's shot by attempting to take Paulie down with 270,000 bullets.
It was a solid attempt on Orb's part, but Paulie managed to survived the shot and live to see another day.
Another One OopsieDaisy had already built quite the reputation for himself after taking care of International Mafia's leader, but his plans for the family didn't stop there.
The dust had barely settled from Orb's attempt on Paulie when OopsieDaisy launched an attack of his own, taking advantage of the chaos and ambushing Axe with 220,000 bullets. Paulie may have survived the attempt on his life but Axe wasn't so lucky, becoming the fourth member International Mafia had to put to rest in the span of a few hours.
You Just Activated My Trap Card!
Who better to pick a bouquet full of oopsie daisies than the man himself? And was it a case of limited resources, or did OopsieDaisy simply get ahead of himself?
He took care of Axe easily enough, but OopsieDaisy met his match when he set his sights on OpieTaylor.
OopsieDaisy tried to take him down with 200,000 bullets but it wasn't enough, and after burying four of his family members OpieTaylor had made the wise decision of investing in some protection. OpieTaylor's backfire kicked in and he fired back an impressive 150,000 bullets, but OopsieDaisy managed to evade the shot and slip back into the shadows.
Let There Be Bloodlust The Circus obviously had a few bones to pick with International Mafia, but that didn't mean players without families could consider themselves safe in their midst.
A player that proudly proclaimed they'd never pay to play, Rose eventually amended that statement to specify that they would certainly pay to kill. Or at least attempt to. Rose tried to plug Sunny with 14,000 bullets, but the attempt proved unsuccessful.
Uno Reverse
Remember when I mentioned OopsieDaisy slipping back into the shadows after his attempt on OpieTaylor?
Yeah, so it turns out OpieTaylor was following him. And just under four hours later, he caught up with OopsieDaisy.
With a swift 260,000 bullets OpieTaylor put an end to OopsieDaisy's legacy, avenging two of his members and getting some payback for the attempt on his own life too.
Hold Up Wait a Minute, Ya'll Thought I Was Finished?!
Sources say he pulled up in a McLaren GT, but they can't seem to agree on whether or not it was rented.
Jokes aside, OpieTaylor was a man on a mission. And that mission was avenging his fallen brothers and sisters.
Authorities didn't even have time to put chalk around OopsieDaisy's body by the time OpieTaylor had struck again, shooting Orb down with 200,000 bullets in retaliation for the attempt on Paulie.
The Enemy of My Enemy Is My Friend...Right?
Wrong, apparently.
After launching an attack in the midst of the war that broke out between The Circus and International Mafia, the Virtuoso family kicked off the next day by launching an attack against The Circus instead.
It was a move that left this publication studio in a state of shock, but I'd wager a guess that nobody was more shocked than Sinister was when Dance surprised him with 225,000 bullets.
Life Is Uncertain
Today you get a rose, tomorrow you feel the thorns. Rose may not have been successful with their attempt on Sunny's life, but that didn't stop karma from catching up with them in the end.
Was The Circus trying to send a message, or did Otto just take Rose down with 300,000 bullets for fun?
You Can't Have Your Cake and Eat It Too
Unless your Otto, that is.
About an hour after he killed Rose, Otto followed up by firing 55,000 bullets at Cake for another efficient kill.
I've been pounding the pavement to keep you guys updated on all of the violence that's taken place thus far, so it's safe to say I'm a little desensitized to it by now. But this kill, dear reader? This one shocked me.
It turns out it wasn't another kill in the roster for The Circus, but rather a victory for...Adrenaline Rush?
See No Evil
With Otto's last kill being a player that didn't find themselves in a family, it was anyone's best guess at who would find themselves in his crosshairs next.
Always full of surprises, Otto decided to follow up his hostile takeover by targetting someone who'd never see him coming - BlindStyle.
I can only imagine that his condition made it hard to acquire Kevlar, as Otto made light work of him with a modest 15,000 bullets.
Peaceful Until Provoked, Unless...?
They claimed to be peaceful until provoked, but the Radiants may have had more ties than they let on. Namely, with the original leaders of The Circus. Otto was busy celebrating the fruits of his subterfuge when Amadeus launched a devastating sneak attack, simultaneously making one of the biggest shots this round has seen thus far.
It took me a while to pick through all the bullet casings left behind in the foliage, but as your Editor I couldn't rest until I had discovered the sheer scale of the shot - a mind-boggling 750,000 bullets.
Tonight I Gotta Cut Loose, Footloose
After the Radiants did a little provoking of their own, Adrenaline Rush was more than happy to pay them back in kind. Dance had since cut his ties with the Virtuoso family and joined the ranks of Adrenaline Rush instead, celebrating his newfound alliance by shooting Amadeus with 235,000 bullets.
And so the gauntlet dragged two more families into its maelstrom of bloodshed, war between and the Radiants on the horizon...
It's All About The Atmosphere
What do you look for in a bistro? Maybe a peaceful vibe or a cozy environment?
Well, hopefully you weren't looking in Bistro's establishment, because it turns out peaceful and cozy are two things you won't find on his menu at all.
After two days of violence, Bistro kicked off day 3 with an impressive attempt on Dance's life - shooting a staggering 430,000 bullets to be exact.
The only thing more impressive than Bistro's attempt was Dance's incredibly light footwork, shaking off the shot with the ease of someone comfortably dancing to their own rhythm.
Perhaps a Dance Battle Would Have Been Less Lethal
Failing an attempt on Dance certainly didn't discourage Bistro, who had set his sights on expanding by founding The Special Crew.
Unfortunately, it seems that expansion ultimately wasn't in the cards for the family, especially if Adrenaline Rush had anything to say about it.
Sources say it was one of the grooviest chases they had ever seen, but Dance managed to catch up with Bistro soon enough, and with a few practiced steps and 385,000 bullets The Special Crew became the first family of the round to get wiped out completely.
May I Have This Dance?
Basking in the glory of their victory over The Special Crew left Adrenaline Rush distracted, providing the perfect opportunity for the Radiants to strike while the iron was hot. Dance might have been ready to bust a move at a moment's notice, but it turns out Penguin was just as ready to bust a shot off once his family found themselves at war.
He had sashayed away from death once before, but without much time to recover Dance wasn't so lucky a second time, Penguin loading up 220,000 bullets and shooting him right out of a his Sunday shoes.
Dead or Alive, You're Coming With Me!
Is what you would hear if you found yourself at the business end of RoboCop's service pistol - Android18, though? I'd wager the guess that "or alive" isn't part of their vocabulary.
Despite their recent victories the Radiants were still very much embroiled in a war, and like the tacticians they are, they came to the same conclusion any strategist worth their salt would when considering a battle where they found themselves outnumbered - commission a robot to help.
Hailing from International Mafia, Paulie was certainly no stranger to violence. Much like OpieTaylor, he had spent the past few days watching his members fall and even surviving an attack himself. But if there's one thing that remains a constant on this game - it's that our luck runs out eventually.
Some say it was justice, others say it was retribution. Me, personally? Well, dear reader, after discovering Android18 killed Paulie with a whopping 141,000 bullets that were all fired with perfect accuracy, I'll say this - I'm definitely gonna be a lot nicer to my toaster going forward. You can never be too careful.
Cloudy with a Chance of...Murder?
So you know the drill by now - war. War never changes, and with so much of it carrying on in our streets it comes as no surprise that we all might be feeling a little down on our luck these days.
But the thing about war that we always seem to forget is how it affects the people caught in the middle - Sunny being a great, albeit unfortunate, example. Sunny had already weathered one storm when they survived Rose's attempt on their life, but with no allies or family to call upon for help they met their end when faced with the other constant of war - the ones that capitalize on the hysteria.
That's right, ladies and gentlemen, The Vindicant had officially thrown their hats in the ring - Misty blanketing his victim's sunny disposition with a little fog, and 35,000 bullets.
New Year, Same Crew
Why fix what isn't broken? They had a good old time clowning around as The Circus, but after suffering a handful of losses they ditched their rubber noses and horns to don their war outfits, reemerging as The Black Syndicate.
They had mostly gone toe to toe with International Mafia up to this point, but after suffering a mutiny at the hands of Otto it should come as no surprise that they returned to destroy what they once called their own. Adrenaline Rush held a strong front for as long as they could, but The Black Syndicate's siege eventually won out in the end - with Patron killing Kobayashi with 350,000 bullets and wiping Adrenaline Rush.
ERROR 404: Enemy Not Found Android 18 may have had a 100% hit fire rate, but he soon learned that precise shots can't save you when you don't get the jump on your opponent first.
And who better to dole out some justice than International Mafia's own OpieTaylor, who's spent the round running down anybody that made the mistake of attempting him or his family?
He didn't have the advantage of targetting programs or bionic limbs, but OpieTaylor reminded us that we can solve all of our problems with the right amount of bullets - 200,000 being just enough to take care of Android18 and keep The Radiants at bay a little while longer.
Avada Kedavra!
This one brought a tear to your Editor's eye, reminding me of the distant days when the death curse was used to terrorize mafiosos in another universe.
But I know what you're thinking. That couldn't have been a death curse, Pidgeon, magic isn't real! And you're right, dear reader, it's not - but I'd argue that this shot was just as effective as one, if not more.
With 160,000 bullets and little bit of swish and flicker, LuciusMalfoy revealed there was an AK-47 hiding in the hollow of his cane the whole time, taking down Patron and wiping The Black Syndicate family in a hail of bullets.
Paid Cash for My Car but Do You Slide?
When my sources couldn't confirm whether or not OpieTaylor's McLaren GT was rented I had to get to the bottom of it, and I'm happy to report that after a short investigation of his profile his self-titled song confirmed the truth - the car in question was bought and paid for.
But we're not here to talk about the car, we're here to talk about the sliding, and boy do I have bad news for you guys - we're gonna need a bigger playground. OpieTaylor had enjoyed a successful stint of retaliating against any families that made themselves an enemy of International Mafia, but it turns out no one slides better than a master of terrain, Llama snuffing his legacy out with 300,000 bullets.
I Don't Belong Here
Radiohead said it best, perhaps Special should have listened to the song a little more closely.
After a healthy bit of subterfuge pushed The Black Syndicate to wipe the family, Adrenaline Rush was understandbly going to be a little more cagey about their territory after re-establishing themselves.
Is cagey a bit of an understatement? Perhaps, especially when you consider that Petal clearly didn't take too kindly to Special wandering around, shooting him down with 220,000 bullets for doing so.
Careful, That's The Slap Zone
Have you ever tried to walk past a penguin standing precariously still to the water's edge?
Well, if you haven't, look no further than Petal - who made that fateful mistake when he got a little too close to the shoreline.
Sources say it happened so fast that they honestly thought Penguin had just slapped him, but the harrowing sound of gunfire that followed confirmed the only thing smacking Petal was the 233,000 bullets that were used to send him out to sea.
Is there trouble in Paradise for Adrenaline Rush? Your guess is as good as mine, dear reader. Regardless of the he said-she said, one simple fact remains, this was the first kill of the round that saw one player attacking another member of their own family.
Perhaps I Spoke Too Soon
No sense in stressing over trouble in paradise when there's no paradise to worry about, am I right?
Regardless of Penguin's little spat with Petal, Adrenaline Rush was living on borrowed time anyways, getting wiped for a second time just an hour later.
Who was the executioner this time? None other than Llama of the Radiants, who took LuciusMalfoy out with 189,000 bullets.
You Can't See Me!
Always one for a good sneak attack, Chameleon was out for blood while roaming the streets of Glasgow in his best camoflauge, infiltrating International Mafia's territory with the express goal of finding and killing his target.
He put his all and a considerable 230,000 bullets into the shot, but his attempt fell short and activated Synergy's backire. Synergy's backfire of 125,000 bullets was nothing to sneeze at, but it wasn't enough to finish the job - Chameleon taking matters into his own hands and finishing it himself with Russian Roulette.
Surprise! I Bet You Thought You'd Seen The Last Of Me...
Dying and coming back to enact your revenge is practically a past time around these parts, so it came as a shock to no one when Bootsy popped back onto the scene looking for a particular camelid.
After their first encounter Bootsy wasn't going to get caught slipping again, so he showed up in his brand new all terrain hiking boots to ensure he and Llama were on equal footing with one another.
Taking Llama down with 500,000 bullets, Bootsy taught us all a lesson on getting your revenge and looking good while you do it.
The Tides of Battle
After being wiped out by two different crews, Adrenaline Rush was biding its time and waiting for the perfect moment to strike.
With their revenge on The Black Syndicate taken care of they were left with more time to strategize their attack on the Radiants - starting with Penguin when they found their golden window.
With 475,000 bullets and a shot that sources claim was accompanied by an almost magical light, Gandalf shot Penguin down and moved onto his next target.
The Devil's in the Details
The attack details, the attack details for the Radiants, the attack details chosen specifically to kill the Radiants.
Devil's part in those plans put him next up on the chopping block, becoming Gandalf's second victim just a minute after Penguin fell.
The sound of 275,000 bullets raining down carried the same shock and awe of a lightning strike, and when the dust settled Gandalf was the only one left standing, leaving Devil to his fate of becoming the next body to join the graveyard.
Nothing Says Radiant Like An Explosive Attack Penguin and Devil fell within rapid succession of one another, but then a tense thirteen minutes passed while the community waited for the other shoe to drop.
Whether he stopped to prepare his final attack or simply paused for dramatic effect, I can't be certain, but Gandalf followed up with a destructive blast that secured the victory for Adrenaline Rush in their latest skirmish with the Radiants.
With a resounding 240,000 bullets Gandalf shot Psychotic down and wiped the Radiants family, his three shots combined tallying up to a grand total of 990,000 bullets and making for the biggest coordinated attack we've seen thus far this round!
This round's kicked off to quite an interesting start, the families that have cropped up so far have a solid range of strengths among them and I'm looking forward to following all the things you guys get up to next!
There were a lot of great kills to go over, and the reports piling up on my desk tell me that we'll have even more to go over in the next edition!
...What's that? Feeling a little glum after all this time in the graveyard? I get that.
Why don't we head over to the cafe and see if there's anyone to catch up with?
I was lucky enough to run into FreeStyle at the cafe, and since we're getting settled into a new round I figured it was the perfect opportunity to chat with the owner of the game!
Editor - I'm sure you've been asked this for a paper or two before, but why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself? Look at it as a reminder for the familiar faces and an introduction for any new ones!
FreeStyle - Hey, yea no problem. I'm sure everyone already knows me as FreeStyle, but for a vast majority of my day I am known as Jonathan. I'm 33 and work as a Plumber. I am from the north coast of Ireland.
Editor - You got to see a rough draft of this edition before it hit the presses, where I started off by covering all of the changes and updates that went into this round. Was there anything I missed or anything you'd like to talk about in a little more detail?
FreeStyle - I did see, and basically no. lol I guess you covered it all. Quite the list you had to cover as well.
Editor - Which change were you looking forward to adding the most? Is there a general favorite or maybe one that challenged you in an interesting new way?
FreeStyle - So yea, I have an answer for each of those actually. I was looking forward to bringing back the old rank structure the most. Taking it back to the roots of what I would class as the old school ranking system. 30 ranks, and the top ones being quite difficult. Then to answer the second part, the challenging one was probably the lottery. I learned quite a bit when building it. Which I oddly enjoy.
Editor - And how about the opposite side of the spectrum? Were there any bugs that were hard to track down or changes that pushed you out of your comfort zone?
FreeStyle - Yea, good question. I don't know if I would describe anything as putting me 'out of my comfort zone' but I was kind of scared about how the game would look without point bullets if I am honest. The games I have played, and certainly this one I have owned have always had that feature. I was kind of apprehensive about taking them out, but ultimately it has always been my goal. So yea, I would have to say that taking those out was kind of a leap, and so far, I am delighted at how its been.
Editor - Let's shake it up with a quick fun question, what's one of your favorite things about the game in general? Anything that gets a chuckle out of you when you're checking things over, or maybe even a fond memory or recurring joke within the community?
FreeStyle - OMG, so many. I have a chuckle at maybe 10/15 things a day on here. I like checking in on discord, and it can be a real comedy store. The characters we have are second to none in my opinion. I do also like to reminise on a lot of things and get a chuckle out of some of the screenshots I keep.
Editor - Thanks for taking the time to chat with me! Anything else you'd like to say to our readers before you go?
FreeStyle - My pleasure. I guess all I would add is to thank you for your hard work, and I am really pleased with what I have seen. I know the players will love it, and I urge them to show it. A thanks, or acknowledgement in discord can go a long way to someone when they put the effort in, and I must say, I appreciate the hard work you have done so far. I look forward to many more.
Pidgeon, you ran the banner again!
I know, I know. But before I could get out of the cafe and make my way back to the publishing office to wrap up the edition I ran into Matty (Marty!)
( Or did he run into me to ask about the paper's imminent release again? )
Editor - Hey there, Matty. This isn't your first rodeo, but why don't you go ahead and reacquaint yourself with the readers? Anything you'd like to say to any new players that might be reading this edition?
Matty - Yo Miss Editor. Well, I’m Matty - the real one. That Jock one lives forever in my shadow. For any new players, welcome! If you’ve got a solid track record playing these games, be sure to check out the ad for my family here in this paper.
Editor - You've made quite a reputation for yourself since you joined the round, thanks in large part to your scheme to take over The Circus family. Why don't you talk a little bit about that? Was it something that you'd been planning for a while, or was it something that just kind of came together on its own?
Matty - Well, I’ve got a bit of a track record for going under the radar initially at the start of rounds. Mostly to see how it pans out so that I can jump in at the appropriate time. I joined The Circus just for a bit of protection, then I quickly realised the boss was that DVD guy who is Funzi’s cousin. I got scores to settle there, so I made some puppets dance and eventually I became RHM. Then I got my boy Gaiser to merk the boss Sinister so I took over. All in a day’s work.
Editor - I'd never ask you to give up anything you're still keeping close to your chest, but do you have any other plans for the round? Anything you do want to shed a light on, or maybe just something you're excited about?
Matty - I’ve actually taken a slightly different approach this round than usual. I’ve been happy to wait and let people come after me first. And they haven’t disappointed. If they return, I’ve got scores to settle with Ghillie, Funzi (and his pets) and now recently Zoro. Other than that, I’ll just keep doing my thing to keep my rightful place at the top of the leaderboard (suck it Jay).
Editor - How are you liking the new round so far otherwise? Were there any changes in particular you were happy to see included?
Matty - Honestly, it’s the most balanced gameplay I’ve experienced in my years playing this. Still some work to be done on the ranking model which I’m sure FS and I will sit down to discuss in detail, but it’s definitely nearly there. I also really loved the new change to remove mugging resets! I think everyone can agree it was correct!
(Editor's Note: The interview took a small pause here, Matty and I were busy staring at each other like this)
Editor - What's one tip you'd like to pass along to any new players that might be reading this edition? Or one tip that might help any of the returning players that are refamiliarizing themselves with the game?
Matty - Yeah. Don’t make AR your enemy. You’ll quickly stop playing. Just ask Urch, Nick, Ghillie, Funzi, Funzi’s pets, list goes on!
On a gameplay level, you currently need to work around personal and global xp boosts to progress. Missions are your best friend, save up your mission coins, then complete OCs and scratch cards on those sweet xp boosts.
Editor - Thanks, I appreciate you setting a few minutes aside to talk to me! Anything else you'd like to say to our readers before you go?
Matty - Yeah, big shout out to Gaiser and Liam. I’m currently without Steve (SFS) while he whores himself about following his most recent break up. Steve and I have been AR ever since I started this game. Gaiser and Liam have filled some big boots and more.
And to you - all the best with the Editor’s position. Interview same time next week?
Editor - We'll just have to wait and see where the scoops take us...
Alright, let's get out of here before anybody else recognizes me! Why don't we break things up by checking out the Discord server for a moment?
Taylor reminded us that there's more to fear out there than the unknown of wondering when the next crew war will break out...
I'm looking to make the paper feel a little more interactive, and the Discord server is a big place with quite a few of us scattered all over the globe - so while I try to catch up when I can, I can't guarantee I'll see everything!
Do you have a moment from the Discord server that you'd like to see featured in a future paper? Take a screenshot of it and send it to me in a message, or send it my way on Discord (plyingpidgeon) - who knows? Maybe your submission will be selected for the next paper!
Hero & Zero
That's right, we're back with the latest edition of Hero & Zero! This week's Hero and Zero are Jay aka Soap and Chameleon aka Urch
Hero
Soap aka Jay took home the Hero trophy this week! Quite a few of our players were caught up in the middle of fire fights throughout the week, but Jay kept his head down and played it smart, becoming this round's first player to reach Rank 30! It's quite the achievement, and it came with the grand prize of getting to name Rank 30 for the remainder of the round. Move over, Godfathers, the Soap Dodgers have come to town and they'll be sitting at the top of the Ranks list for a little while.
Zero
This week's Zero goes to Chameleon aka Urch. Chameleon was a short-lived account that intended to attack International Mafia for the third time, but Urch's attempt on Taylor came up short and triggered her backfire instead. Taylor's backfire ultimately missed, but Urch didn't give her the chance to retaliate, using Russian Roulette to kill Chameleon about twenty minutes later.
Alright, dear readers, I appreciate you humoring me, but I've kept you here with my rambling long enough.
I'm just about ready to sign off, but first, a quick word from our sponsors:
Thanks so much for taking the time to check out the very first edition of UK-Mafia Times - Pidgeon Edition!
It was our first paper of the round, and my first paper ever, so I hope you enjoyed it! I'm looking forward to bringing you many more!
Oh, and sorry for the wait! I'm hoping to get these out a little faster going forward as I get into the swing of things.
Special Thanks
FreeStyle for giving me the opportunity to take on the role of Editor The Staff Team for welcoming me with open arms and helping me get started Matty|Jock for creating the new Editorial Interview banner and the Adrenaline Rush ad Tom for creating the New Year, New Round and Signing Off banners
And you, yes you! Thanks for reading!
UK-Mafia Times - Pidgeon Edition 2
Surprise
And who could blame you? If I could borrow a few words from Staind, it's been a while...
But I'm back now and catching more L's than ever, so let's knock the dust off this printing press and get right into it. Shall we?
Bug Fixes
• Fixed a small timing bug that occurred when smuggle runs had an issue and needed to slow down for repairs
• Fixed a small bug that wasn't allowing the lottery to draw
• Fixed a bug where players with no Melter couldn't see the Refinery
• Fixed a small bug with encounter spawn rewards being a little lower than usual
Updates
• Organised Crimes UI - Weapons and Explosive experts now have only one option. With a buy button, and prices shown above.
• Lottery - The lottery now has a guaranteed jackpot draw after six (6) non-winning draws, meaning the jackpot will drop at least once per week. If the jackpot has not been won in the past six (6) draws, the game will first check for anyone matching three (3) numbers. Failing that, the game looks for tickets matching two (2) numbers. If there are no tickets matching two (2) numbers, the game will select ONE random active ticket in that draw and pay the jackpot to that ticket.
• Refinery - There is now a toggle button to switch between including and excluding Oil Tankers in your Refinery. You can switch this on and off as you please.
• The Tavern - A place to sell your bar drinks to others anonymously, for as much as you feel they are worth! Or a place to buy some nice and quick bar items. (Or a place for you guys to try and scam someone into paying £100,000 just to lose 5 HP. But are we really surprised?)
A tax has not been added to this feature to ensure it is profitable for those who wish to use it, but beware to all the min-max players out there, taking advantage of this WILL cause it to be taxed feature. Play nice and enjoy ?
• Bar Item - Beers have been given a fair boost in rankpoints.
• Casino - Keno max bet has been raised.
Game Economy Updates
• Encounter cash rewards have been increased by a fair bit.
• Mission coin exchange for cash has been tripled.
• Redeem code cash rewards have been increased.
• Savings limits have been doubled.
• Some minor crime money increases.
• Organised Crimes - The very best of OCs now have the chance to 'Empty the armed vault' while doing the OC. This gives a rather large reward (in the region of around 10x a normal OC.)
• Marketplace Notifications - We now have posts in a dedicated channel in discord for Marketplace additions. Anything you add to the market will be posted in there for more exposure.
• Organised Crimes - Lowered the threshold for the 'Armed Vault' to be activated, meaning more OCs will now be able to do this.
We also had a few competitions and giveaways since you guys saw me last. Congrats to all the winners!
As I mentioned last time, we're always looking to make improvements! If you have an idea you'd like to see added to the game, make sure you post it to the idea center, or pop over to the Discord server and drop a new conversation in the Discussions channel.
On the flip side, if you have any bugs to report, make sure to reach out to me or one of my fellow staff members with any info you have.
You can also drop a new conversation about it in the Bug-Reports channel if you prefer, we'll be happy to help get you sorted!
So, uh...it really has been a while, huh?
As I stare at the walls of this freshly disturbed publishing studio, I can't help but feel like I see them staring back at me...
And I do, so I won't keep you here any longer than I already have.
There's quite a few new plots since we visited last time, so let's get our steps in and head over to the Graveyard to pay our respects.
UK Mafia Graveyard
Between hostile takeovers and some devastating games of call and response, you guys certainly keep it interesting around here.
But that was last edition's news. Let's dig into what you've been up to since then, and why it keeps our respective funeral home owners laughing all the way to the bank.
Magic or Bullets? The Victor Will Surprise You
Turns out splendor and spectacle pack more of a punch than good old-fashioned gunpowder.
This attack came on the heels of Adrenaline Rush wiping the Radiants family, so one might argue that this kill was just an unfortunate case of excess magic claiming another victim before dissipating.
Whatever the case, with 5,000 bullets that looked suspiciously like magic missiles, Gandalf shot Uzi down and sent him straight to the graveyard - the first of many who found themselves featured in the graveyard's newest plot of land.
Snuffed Out
No point in being the one and only Soap Dodger if you're not gonna show off a little, am I right?
With ranking out of the way, Soap had all of the time in the world to gather his gun and get his hands a little dirty.
A true champion of fire safety content to let his reputation speak for him, he took Candle down with an effective 7,500 bullets.
Once More, With Feeling
After dipping his toes in with the kill on Candle, some of my sources claimed Soap would slowly wade his way into the deep end.
Those sources were promptly fired when Soap insisted that cannonballs off the pier were more his style, following up with a devastating attack against the Lost Souls family.
4C? 6G? I might not know the exact coordinates, but I do know that Soap sunk Boatman's battleship with 400,000 bullets.
Darkness There, and Nothing More
When you make a habit of tapping, tapping at some chamber doors, it should come as no surprise when someone eventually comes tapping back.
The midnight visitor became the visited when Raven found Soap at his door, his next question an obvious "What are you here for?"
I'm told Soap replied "Merely this, and nothing more," punctuating his sentence with a poetic 180,000 bullets.
You Can't Spell Warmad Without War
And it was clear by now that the Lost Souls found themselves embroiled in one with The Vindicant.
With a shiny level 30 badge and onetwo three kills under his belt, Soap was on a bit of a hot streak - but who would be number four?
A swift 90,000 bullets made WarMad his next victim, and with that I shall use this rhyming scheme nevermore.
A Crime of Passion?
On the surface, this one looked like another attack in the war between The Vindicant and the Lost Souls.
I certainly thought as much while I was pouring over the reports about Spartacus killing Zelda with 300,000 bullets. That is, until a note was mysteriously delivered to the publishing studio...
With a message I suspect was meant for another pair of eyes, it revealed Spartacus had a hidden agenda of his own - "That kill was for you."
Rated E for Everybody
Did you think The Vindicant only had smoke for the Lost Souls? Think again.
After taking down three of their members, Soap continued his killing spree without breaking a sweat, setting his sights on a few more unfortunate souls without the protection of a family. DHR ultimately became his next victim, a quick 7,500 bullets taking him by surprise.
C'est Cheese!
Before you ask, no, you can't take my puns from me. They're all I have.
With Soap shooting Cheese down with 5,000 bullets a mere minute after killing DHR, sources say there were so many forensic photographers around afterwards that it looked more like a photoshoot than a crime scene.
Huh? You thought I was gonna make a swiss cheese joke? Don't be ridiculous! I leave the jabs to you guys.
A New Foe Has Appeared!
...Sort of.
They weren't necessarily aware that they were being attacked, but that didn't stop Kai from thwarting Soap's attempt on their life. Soap shot 5,000 bullets but it wasn't enough, Kai interrupting his multikill with a passive combo breaking ability.
They Had Us in the First Half, I'm Not Gonna Lie Soap might have missed once - but he wasn't gonna miss again.
5,000 bullets can turn into 100,000 bullets real quick around here, and you can end up on the receiving end of those bullets just as quick. Kiwi learned that lesson the hard way when they ended up in Soap's crosshairs about 2 hours later.
We Have War at Home
I know we never wanted to hear it when it was about McDonald's, but maybe we should have listened.
The Lost Souls were still standing when The Vindicant decided they wanted a piece of Adrenline Rush too, but it turns out they bit off a little more than they could chew. Misty dealt a staggering amount of damage with 470,000 bullets, but it wasn't enough to best Gandalf in a magical duel, dying when he triggered the wizard's backfire spell of 200,000 bullets.
A Magical Miscalculation
Some spells are more effective than others. Gandalf's backfire spell of 200,000 bullets proved to be effective against a formidable foe, but it turns out a quick cast of 5,000 bullets just doesn't have the same spark to it. Eska was too dazed from Gandalf's spell to follow up with a jinx of their own, but they ultimately survived the attempt.
Now These Opps Getting Moister, Them Bullets Hitting Critical BobbyDazzler split Moist like an oyster and left him looking clinical.
He played such a quiet game that he even took me by surprise when he stepped on the scene with 160,000 bullets and a target already in mind, so I put some of my best little birds on the case to get you guys the inside scoop.
Word on the street is BobbyDazzler's looking to climb his way up the ladder, so I wouldn't be surprised if we see his name a few more times before we finish our little stroll...
The Legend Of Vox Machina(days)
Is not actually a legend, but closer to a brief tale of misadventure when you read between the lines. Machinadays was just minding his own business when he became the next unfortunate victim in Soap's killing spree.
A quick 10,000 bullets was all Soap needed to get the job done, reloading his AK-47 before setting his sights on a dark knight.
Literature 101: Titles and Tribulations
Hero or Vigilante? His reputation might have been subjective, but his current status is anything but nebulous.
The man that spent his days sending a record number of people to the hospital met his match when his enemies decided to give him a taste of his own medicine, upgrading his season pass to send him right past the emergency room and straight to the morgue.
His tool belt had never failed him before, but it turns out all of the smoke bombs and batarangs in the world are no match against pure firepower, Spartacus prevailing with a little bit of gladiator spirit and 7,500 bullets.
Wood Style: Tree Bound Burial
With gamblers, turncoats, and mass murderers in our midst, it's safe to say we've got a little bit of everything around here. But what if I told you we had a few conservationists too? Senju didn't put up much of a fight when Soap shot them down with 8,000 bullets, but they certainly left their mark on the world when it came time for their funeral.
Our community's first ever natural burial turned into one magnificent tree seemingly overnight, but I have it on good authority that the groundskeeper isn't very happy about Senju's final nod to Mother Nature.
Truth Is...the Game Was Rigged From the Start
It's not actually rigged, but it's not exactly a walk in the park either, is it?
No matter how many rounds you've got under your belt, we all eventually learn that it can get pretty cut-throat around here sooner or later, and our new friend HadleyGarcia was no exception.
An up-and-coming player and a pleasant conversation partner, HadleyGarcia met her end when Gandalf caught up with her and introduced her to 60,000 bullets.
I Declare Bankruptcy!
A financial opportunist that loved their work so much they assumed the name of their specialty itself, Banker was no stranger to the shady work that acommpanied lucrative business practices.
It might come as a shock to you, but bullets are just as valid as any other currency around here, and like all good currencies, well...let's just say checks can bounce. Banker invested a respectable 76,200 bullets towards their attempt to undercut Gandalf, but the wizard protected himself with the power of his credit score, activating his backfire and killing Banker with 180,000 bullets.
The Art of War: The Third Party
Pop quiz! If there's three families in the area and bloodshed is inevitable, when do you strike? While the other two families are fighting each other, of course.
We previously covered what Adrenaline Rush accomplished with keen tactics and a little bit of patience, so it should come as no surprise that they struck the Lost Souls at the most opportune moment - while they were still recovering from The Vindicant's attack. Jumbo may have gotten through the first attack unscathed, but his mugging ways caught up with him in the end, SilvioDante getting his revenge with 180,000 bullets.
Happy Trails, Hans
You'd be surprised at how crafty some of us can get when we're backed into a corner, and Flower is a perfect example.
Instead of baring his teeth to snarl he did it to laugh, revealing the ace up his sleeve was actually a gun taped to his back.
With some quick thinking and even quicker aim, Flower unleashed 50,000 bullets and gave HansGruber no choice but to die hard. (...Pause?)
Roll for Acrobatics
It's not always about how hard you can hit, sometimes it's about having flexibility when it comes to your strategies.
If you're looking for a crash course on how to stick a landing, look no further than the fatal exchange between XmotionX and Nojumper.
They both brought their best dice, but it turns out XmotionX's were loaded, taking Nojumper down with 9,200 bullets.
The Last of the Lost Souls
They maintained a strong defense despite the shifting circumstances they were up against, but all wars eventually must come to an end.
Just two short days after celebrating his victory against Jumbo, SilvioDante launched another attack and shot Flower with 250,000 bullets.
And so Adrenaline Rush finished what The Vindicant had started, securing the victory and wiping the Lost Souls family.
Introduction to Combat: Choosing the Right Weapon
Hidden blades might be fancy, but that simply makes them the fancy equivalent of bringing a knife to a gun fight. Altair ended up making that mistake when he came face to face with Spartacus, the gladiator long having abandoned his sword in favor of an AK-47.
7,500 bullets later and Spartacus proved victorious, moving onto his next target without breaking a sweat.
Challenge-Response
With the last two notches in his belt being a princess and an assassin, it was inevitable that Spartacus would up the ante the next time he drew his weapon.
Imagine my surprise when his next victim turned out to be a security measure. That's right, folks. This man shot a CAPTCHA.
I'm sure jz9xytried to determine whether or not Spartacus was a human, but when your test gets interrupted with 7,500 bullets your results have no choice but to come up inconclusive.
Royal Succession
Means very little when a gladiator has busied himself with toppling dynasties.
Princesses, Kings...it didn't matter if you had the crown or you were in line for it. You were eventually gonna have to take it up with Spartacus.
I'm told KingStevie headed the royal procession to the showdown, but with 10,000 bullets Spartacus ensured he didn't come back with it.
Why Fix What Isn't Broken?
After getting a small taste of glory, it didn't take long for Spartacus to come into his own and really enter his Sharp Shooter era.
He'd gotten it down to a science by now, discovering that 7,500 bullets can solve a lot more problems than you think. How many, you ask? Well, I don't know for sure, but I can name seven... Serpent, Slick, Viper, Gatts, hector, Insolito, and Jarles all met their end after facing off with Spartacus - each of them shot down with 7,500 bullets respectively.
Please Stand Up
If SlimShady has ever called you an idiot...okay, wow, that's a lot of you.
My sources claim he wanted to get on TV and just let loose, but BobbyDazzler never gave him the chance to see his own debut.
With a constructive 88,000 bullets he put SlimShady to rest, but not before letting the man hear his favorite insult one last time.
A Flower So Nice That It Bloomed Twice
Unfortunately for Flower2, winter just doesn't seem to be his season.
Returning on the heels of the Lost Souls family being wiped, Flower2 claimed he was back to keep an eye on things - but that didn't matter much to Gandalf.
As soon as his mana regenerated the wizard reloaded and shot Flower2 with 10,000 bullets, taking care of his enemy before he had the chance to establish any roots.
You Gotta Be Quicker Than That, Buddy
I don't know if it's possible to outrun magic, but if you can, you certainly have to be faster than XmotionX was when he tried to do it.
Try as he might, it turns out Gandalf's magic had just a little bit more adrenaline than he did.
Having to play catch up didn't make those 70,000 bullets any less effective either, securing the wizard another kill for his roster.
Is Revenge A Circle Inside A Circle Inside A Circle?
I dunno. I'm not here to talk philosophy, I'm here to bring you the news.
Just a few short days after getting killed for his mugging ways, Ole was back and he had one thing on his mind - revenge.
Unfortunately, his bullets didn't seem to have as much force as his vitriol. Ole's 29,000 bullet attempt fell short and his revenge turned into his own demise, dying when he triggered SilvioDante's 100,000 bullet backfire.
Leaving Your Mark on the World
Flashy, remarkable, and reportedly voted "Best Dressed" in his community 3 years running, BobbyDazzler seemed to have it all. So what could he possibly want?
Easy, dear reader. Status. Reputation. Grandeur, if you will. And what better way to get it than by leaving a trail of bodies in your wake?
With 15,000 bullets he took SAFCLiam down and kept right on going, his bloodlust not yet satiated.
Cold As Ice
Rumored to have an icebox where her heart used to be, you could count on LadyIce to be stone cold in the face of danger.
That is, until BobbyDazzler came along and told her it was time to leave the world behind.
It took 10,000 bullets, but eventually BobbyDazzler was able to chip away her frozen kevlar and emerge victorious.
Eyes Are the Windows To the Soul
But you should probably draw your curtains when a certain gladiator comes around.
My sources were unable to confirm if Eyes saw Spartacus coming, but the evidence suggests it wouldn't have changed much in the grand scheme of things.
10,000 bullets and the deed was done, Spartacus ensuring that Eyes would never open their eyes again.
Seven Days
Cursed video tapes are one thing, but it turns out announcing your plans with complete transparency can be an omen too.
I can only guess they call her DeafStyle because she wasn't trying to hear all that, but your guess is as good as mine, dear reader. I can keep tabs on this one just fine, but I can never seem to find her?
Either way, 7Days1Shot came out of safety ill-prepared and DeafStyle shot him down with 35,000 bullets.
Hasn't She Been Through Enough?
On one hand, I want her to catch a break because she's been through a lot, you know what I mean?
On the other hand, I can't blame DREXL at all for opening fire on Carrie when he spotted her walking down the street covered with blood from head to toe.
It's hard to tell how much damage he did with 5,000 bullets considering the state she was already in, but it wasn't enough because Carrie managed to slip away.
Speaking of Slip
Let's talk about Slips. Carrie may have gotten away from DREXL, but Slips wasn't as lucky when Gandalf caught up with him.
He tried to slip, but slipping doesn't work when your opponent is prepared to slide, Gandalf firing off 8,000 bullets before powergliding away.
The Sun Was in My Eyes
We all have bad days, right?
Yup. You, me, even Gandalf too. The wizard normally isn't the type to miss, but they can't all be winners. Gandalf shot Clarkie165 with 8,000 bullets but his attempt wasn't enough, his target narrowly escaping with their life.
What? That Never Happened
There's no better way to cover up a blunder than by burying it with accomplishments, and Gandalf set out to do just that after his failed attempt on Clarkie165.
A total of eight victims fell in his wake, each of them shot with anywhere between 3,000 and 6,000 bullets.
Their names were Cocktail, krone, Yarou, AKramAAK, m0hits, Crashy, grizzle, and MafiaIsCool - and Gandalf killed them all with a combined 34,000 bullets.
Rule #2: Double Tap
If you thought Gandalf was going to let Clarkie165 live to tale his tale, think again.
When the wizard was done meticulously slaughtering the rest of his victims he came back for Clarkie165, and he wasn't going to make the same mistake twice.
9,000 bullets were just enough the second time around, Gandalf sending his victim to their grave.
Agni Kai!
You remember Kai, right? The fabled citizen that got away from the one and only Soap Dodger himself?
Well, you can run from a firefight, but you can't run from an honor bound duel. Bootsy challenged Kai and shot 60,000 bullets, ensuring his opponent went down in a barrage of flames.
You in Danger, Sir
Reader beware, you're in for a scare. Did you know our community is...haunted?
Now, now, don't freak out. I didn't either until BobbyDazzler killed Swayze with 50,000 bullets.
First responders never even had a chance to investigate the scene, amorphous ghosts emerging from the shadows themselves to drag Swayze back to hell.
What Do You Think?
Ever the flashy personality, BobbyDazzler thinks your moves look much cooler on him. TheUndertaker barely had the chance to get his family off the ground before BobbyDazzler struck, taking a page right out of his own book to add insult to injury.
200,000 bullets and one tombstone piledriver later and TheUndertaker was no more, BobbyDazzler wiping the WWF family in the process.
Not So Serious
A former mercenary that spent his career keeping extraterrestrial overlords from destroying humanity, SaM had come to our community to settle down.
Unfortunately for him, our community isn't very familiar with the concept of settling down. We're much more versed in settling scores. Strudel took a break from his sweets to put SaM down with 300,000 bullets, and can I just say that trying to keep up with you guys drives me a little mental?
Fight Night
You'd be surprised at how much there is to do around here. Did you know that we actually have our own pay-per-view events? BobbyDazzler booked one with the legend Tyson himself, and if you missed it I regret to inform you that you missed a TKO. BobbyDazzler shot 250,000 bullets and knocked Tyson's lights out, wiping the Fury family's boxing club right off the map.
Lemme Get a 4 for 4
Remember the good old days? Turns out Gandalf forgot Wendy's dropped their best deal for the infinitely inferior Biggie Bag Meal Deal.
He ordered Phantom, DeadGuy, Olympus, and GynDra before sliding 16,000 bullets across the counter to divide between the 4 of them.
It was only then that management informed him of his error, serving him DeadGuy, Olympus, and GynDra and calling the order fair.
You Look Like You've Seen A Ghost
I see that inquisitive look in your eyes. But what about Phantom?
Easy, dear reader. It's Wendy's. They refused to serve Gandalf, and they probably said some scathing things about him on Twitter too.
His 4,000 bullets were fine to spend but they simply weren't enough, the wizard needed to upgrade to the Biggie Bag Meal Deal if he really wanted to kill Phantom.
Iron Mike
We all have something that sets us apart from others - for some it's integrity, for others it's motivation. But for Mike? It's sheer presence.
I never even saw him coming, but in the blink of an eye he stepped on the scene and made a move that captivated the entire community.
One moment things were quiet and the next Gandalf's legacy was no more, Mike sneaking him with a devastating punch and 2,200,000 bullets.
Not So Fast!
Never ones to go down without a fight, it didn't take Adrenaline Rush long to gather their resources and launch a counter attack.
Three minutes later Makaveli returned fire, and while he did a considerable amount of damage, his attempt ultimately fell short. Makaveli shot 350,000 bullets at Mike and triggered his backfire, dying when Mike returned the favor and sent 325,000 bullets back his way.
Just When He Thought He Was Out
The ARseholes pulled SilvioDante back in. Mike had already used a combined 2,525,000 bullets to take out Gandalf and Makaveli, but that didn't mean he was running out of steam anytime soon.
I guess Mike genuinely didn't think there was anything to gain by keeping SilvioDante around, sealing his fate with 648,000 bullets.
You Can Run These Pockets But You Can't Hide
So, where did all those bullets come from? I don't have all the answers just yet, but I heard some whispers that Spain was borrowing bullets from International Mafia members without asking them first.
I doubt we're ever going to learn to keep our hands to ourselves around here, but if we're going to run pockets we should probably learn to run for our lives too when it counts.
Fortunately for Spain, BobbyDazzler seemed to be in a giving mood. Unfortunately for Spain, BobbyDazzler gave him 300,000 bullets via the barrel of his gun instead of handing them over.
Who Wrote The Note? Youse Two!
Formerly known as Gandalf, Arteta was back with a vengeance and he had a sneaking suspicion the ARseholes didn't come up with all those bullets on their own.
Who did he suspect? None other than The Vindicant. And what better way to set an example than taking out the famous gladiator himself? Arteta took aim and fired 1,444,444 bullets, killing Spartacus and dealing a substantial blow to The Vindicant.
The End of an Era Arteta's next target was a slippery one, the one and only Soap Dodger himself.
Unfortunately for Soap, dodging bars of soap is a whole lot easier than dodging an army of bullets that outnumbers you by a million to one, give or take. Arteta shot 1,200,000 bullets and laid Soap to rest, leaving this humble pidgeon to carry on the soap dodging name for him.
This Pastry Is to Die For
Remember those bullets allegedly getting snatched from International Mafia members? Strudel claimed that quite a few of them were taken from his own pockets. BobbyDazzler had already taken care of Spain, but Strudel was still determined to get a little revenge of his own. Mike put up quite the fight but after ten rounds Strudel found an opening and shot 500,000 bullets, handing the lengendary boxer his first loss and simultaneously ending his career.
There's Just No Spark
I guess you could say these two were never going to get on the same wavelength.
Rather than engaging in a neverending mug-of-war Synergy sought to finish what BobbyDazzler and Strudel started.
She fired off 420,000 bullets (blaze it) and killed Pikachu, wiping the ARseholes family and handing me one of the funniest sentences I'll likely write in my entire career.
And so February 17th went down in history as one of the bloodiest days this round has seen, a grand total of 7,403,444 bullets being exchanged between everyone involved!
This edition had some of our biggest shots yet, but something tells me you guys kicked up enough dust recently to demand this paper and our third edition...
But we've been here a while, huh? Things are getting somber and you want to catch a vibe, yeah?
I'm in the mood for a coffee anyways, let's go to the cafe and see if we can get the inside scoop on some of the exciting updates we covered this edition!
I've been gone so long that some of you forgot we even had an Editor, but Max did me the ultimate solid and graciously accepted my horrifically late request for an interview.
Editor - Hey, Max! I'd like to apologize for how late I am in regards to covering this topic. Care to introduce yourself to the readers before we get started?
Max - Hey, I’m Max. Oldest brother of the Harvey’s. Played my fair share of online games. Can’t seem to break the habit.
Editor - We covered the war that broke out between Adrenaline Rush and the ARseholes in this edition, and it looks like The Vindicant got wrapped up in things too. Care to tell us how you guys ended up in the middle of things?
Max - Obviously Jay was the first to hit 30 which was the main objective. But we also like to be the antagonistic bunch. Keeps the game interesting.
Editor - One thing that had everyone talking was the sheer amount of bullets that Wardy shot and how he and the rest of the ARseholes got their hands on so many bullets. Did The Vindicant help out with any of those bullets?
Max - We held about 500k for Urch before he got shot, we helped with about 1.4-1.6m bullets. We could have funded more but Jay got a little trigger happy to get up leaderboard.
Editor - What were your motivations for helping out? Anything you'd like to divulge now that you've got the floor?
Max - Going back to question 2, we like to be antagonists, plus we felt sorry for poor old Urch.
Editor - We kicked off the round back in January with a bunch of new changes, how are you enjoying them? Is there anything you'd like to see added to the game, or perhaps there's a scrapped feature that you're missing?
Max - Life got really busy so haven’t been as active since it all went down. But I really enjoyed the grind for ranks. I think getting rid of Prestige was a good move. One thing I’d like added is a more consistent way to gain items. This is worst part of dying, losing items you spent weeks grinding for. I was 2nd highest rank and was no where near max items.
Editor - What's one tip you'd like to pass onto any players reading this edition? Maybe a tip for the newbies, or a feature you prefer to use when you're building up your account?
Max - To be honest, I think a good solid crew is key. Good communication but no restrictions for crew members. If someone wants to shoot, they can.
Editor - Thanks so much for taking the time to chat with me, I truly can't put into words how appreciative I am for it considering how long it took me to cover this news. Is there anything you'd like to say to our readers before you go? Is there anything you'd like to say to me before you go? It's alright, I deserve a fair amount of criticism for the delay.
Max - I think you are awesome, you do an amazing job, and clearly put in a lot of effort, if that means we have to wait, it’s worth it. Plus we have bonded recently over Anime. So no bad words from me.
This place is always great for conversation, but I'm sure you guys are starting to get tired of me talking by now. Let's pop over to the Discord server for a sec and watch someone else do it for a change.
Ciár hung out with us for a little while, flexed his video game skills, and shared his Top 5 Eminem songs (Real Slim Shady, Rap God, Puke, Lose Yourself, and Without Me!)
Do you have a moment from the Discord server that you'd like to see featured in a future paper? Take a screenshot of it and send it to me in a message, or send it my way on Discord (plyingpidgeon) - who knows? Maybe your submission will be selected for the next paper!
Hero & Zero
There may have been some hints along the way, but let's dig into the results of our latest edition of Hero & Zero! This week's Hero is Wardy aka Mike, and our twoZeroes of the week are Matty aka Gandalf/Arteta (now Ginge) and Jay aka Soap.
Hero
Mike aka Wardy took home the Hero trophy this week! In addition to launching a war that took the entire community by surprise, Wardy pulled off the biggest shot we've seen thus far in this round, shooting 2,200,000 bullets at Gandalf to wipe 1,338,288 kevlar and ultimately kill the account.
Zero
This week's Zeroes are Gandalf/Arteta (now Ginge) aka Matty and Jay aka Soap. These two ended up in a competition nobody wants to find themselves in: seeing who could fail on the most level 1 accounts. Jay walked away with 1 failed attempt on Kai, and Matty walked away with 2 failed attempts, one on Eska and the other on Phantom.
We've made it to the end of another edition, dear readers. Thanks for sticking with me this long!
I'm just about ready to sign off, but this time I thought I'd give a shoutout to some of our most talented creators:
Shibz
and Tom!
If you're looking to get some artwork done for your account or your profile, I highly recommend these two! They're both some of the most patient and dedicated artists I know, and I can trust both of them to take any concept I come up with and bring it to life in ways I couldn't even imagine.
If you're interested in checking out more of Shibz's work, check out his TikTok page! If you're interested in commissioning some work, reach out to him on Discord (shibadee!)
If you're interested in commissioning some work from Tom be sure to reach out to him on Discord (tomstrong90!)
As always, thanks so much for checking out Edition 2 of UK-Mafia Times - Pidgeon Edition!
This one was entirely too long overdue, so whether you liked it or not, make sure you head on over to Discord and hand me all of the L's I rightfully deserve!
I've got a flight back to Belfast to catch and a third edition to get started on, so let's part ways here, yeah? Until next time...
Special Thanks
Shibz for creating the What's New banner, the new Graveyard, Hero & Zero, and Spotted on Discord banners; and for creating some fantastic picture concepts to show off in this edition Tom for graciously allowing me to share his picture editing process so I could show off his dedication to feedback and his attention to detail
And you guys, for holding me accountable when I drop the ball. Thanks for reading!
UK-Mafia Times - Pidgeon Edition 3
Pack It Up, Pack It In
Where have I been?
Oh, you know...just covering the news, and maybe considering my life insurance options while I'm at it.
I can already hear you now - "That sounds pretty serious. How do you cover the news and keep yourself safe?"
Well, I won't tell you all of my secrets, but I will tell you one: lots of disguises.
Before we get into the news, why don't we talk about any updates there's been since you saw me last?
Updates
Yup, deception and trickery. There's not much, because it hasn't been that long since you saw me last.
Aside from redeem codes being boosted between April 6th and 7th, and the chances of a successful mystery box opening being doubled between April 20th and April 21st, I don't really have any for you. But if you've got any for us, as always, feel free to send them along!
Did you take advantage of the redeem code boost? Or maybe get a little lucky with the mystery box?
Whatever you did, you can tell me all about it on the way to the graveyard. Draw straws to figure out who goes first.
UK Mafia Graveyard
This place sure is getting crowded, huh?
You wanna know what's really interesting about this edition, though? It turns out we've got something of an assassin on our hands. 39.7% of these kills can be attributed to one person, and yes, I actually did the math. (I made a pie chart and everything!)
And Here We Go...
So who took home the first kill of our third edition? None other than the assassin himself.
By the time we reach the end of our stroll, I'll have told you all about the twenty-three kills he's racked up since we spoke last, but first he started with Obaida.
With 350,000 bullets and a penchant for violence, BobbyDazzler's killing spree began, shooting Obaida down and slinking back to the shadows to choose his next target.
thank you AIMEE
Don't worry, I'm not about to weave some tale about Bootsy overcoming a bully.
I couldn't tell you about any hard feelings between these two, but what I can tell you about is their final fateful encounter.
Never one to start a fight he couldn't finish, Bootsy shot Aimee down with a swift 100,000 bullets.
Woop
Give it a little rasca-do!
And then give your condolences to LittleRascadoo, I regret to inform that you he's no longer with us.
I still can't track her down myself despite my best efforts, but my sources tell me that DeafStyle's use of 747,000 bullets on LittleRascadoo was a sanctioned kill.
Try A Lozza More Bullets Next Time
Those pesky level 1 accounts, am I right?
Sometimes you can take care of them easily enough, and other times they require a little more effort, like the bad joke I made in this blurb's title. LwDaChRiS fired off 4,767 bullets at Lozza but it wasn't enough, the latter ultimately surviving the attempt.
Luck Is a Finite Resource
And unfortunately for Carrie, it runs out when you least expect it.
She may have survived DREXL's attempt on her life in our last edition, but she didn't end up surviving the hitlist events, somehow ending up on BobbyDazzler's personal hitlist. BobbyDazzler killed Carrie with 8,000 bullets, and though I couldn't make the event myself, I have it on good authority that she was buried in the prom dress of her dreams.
What You Call An Icon Livin'?
Notice I didn't say iKoN. BobbyDazzler was becoming something of a MSFT, and iKoN got wrapped up in the pot shots he was taking while he waited for more hitlist targets.
With a fatal 7,000 bullets he killed his victim, iKoN becoming a little less iconic.
You Remember The Nexus Exodus?
Of course you don't, I was talking about a mod hosting website.
Getting back on track, BobbyDazzler had an abundance of bullets to hand out, and Nexus became the next "lucky" winner in his twisted game of roulette.
5,000 bullets later and Nexus met his end, but he can rest easy knowing BobbyDazzler tripped up when he moved onto his next target.
Somebody Call The Ghostbusters
Because our mafiosos have a bit of a Phantom problem on their hands. Gandalf's signature dash of magical bullets proved ineffective, but BobbyDazzler was convinced his drip would be enough to finish the job.
Unfortunately for BobbyDazzler, his fit check of 5,000 bullet didn't cash, Phantom surviving the second attempt on his life.
The Clothes Make The Man
Or in this case, the liar. BobbyDazzler intially claimed he wasn't going to shoot TaylorsTitties, citing the account as a dupe Taylor was using to fake her quiz champion title.
He eventually came around to the idea when he realized how many kills he'd need to climb the leaderboard, taking TaylorsTitties down with 5,000 bullets.
You Call It Torico
I call it Lunacy, the funniest game to ever grace the Sega Saturn.
Jokes aside, BobbyDazzler catching up with Moon was no laughing matter. BobbyDazzler shot 10,000 bullets and sealed Moon's fate, trapping his victim in the aptly named City of Moons for all eternity.
Make Sure You Buy Two of Everything
Because half your stuff belongs to Negan.
Or, well, it did...until BobbyDazzler had something to say about it. Negan talked a big game about his new world order but he ultimately brought a barbed wire bat to a gun fight, BobbyDazzler killing him with 100,000 bullets.
Guess Our Next Attempted Murderer
If you guessed BobbyDazzler, congratulations, you win the Pop Quiz Champion crown!
But yes, you did read attempted murderer. It turns out even our most accomplished assassins slip up from time to time. BobbyDazzler shot Zulfiiqar with 10,000 bullets, but it wasn't enough to secure the kill.
Can I Make a Confession?
You guys wouldn't believe some of the things I research to bring you these scoops.
But that's a funny story for another time, right now we're talking about what went down between Zodiac and BobbyDazzler. BobbyDazzler shot 50,000 bullets but he should have left the shooting to the stars, Zodiac surviving the attempt.
Run It Back
Say what you will about BobbyDazzler, he's nothing if not tenacious.
He may have failed his first attempt on Zulfiiqar, but instead of giving up he turned those L's into lessons. BobbyDazzler aimed a little higher and shot 15,000 bullets during their second encounter, killing Zulfiiqar and moving on to tie up another loose end.
Divination and You
I'm just kidding. It's the graveyard section, not the horoscope section. (And no, I'm not adding a horoscope section either.) BobbyDazzler doesn't exactly strike me as the type of guy to follow pseudoscience anyways, much more interested in testing a hypothesis until he gets concrete results.
He got those results the second time he caught up with Zodiac, shooting 30,000 bullets for a successful kill.
Pull Up To the Function
Traditionally means "come to the party," but our friend BobbyDazzler took it a little too literally.
The only function he pulled up to was Function himself, and I'd be willing to bet the aptly named banker didn't consider the ambush much of a party.
10,000 bullets later and BobbyDazzler added another kill to his roster, ensuring Function would never RSVP to another party again.
Trigger Happy Havoc
Isn't always the best strategy, especially when you run into a practiced shooter.
He may have been new around here but Mrhole22 was no stranger to a firefight, knowing when to push one and when to rotate away from one.
And he did just that when BobbyDazzler tried to take him down with 10,000 bullets, popping smoke and making a quick getaway.
Unconventional Problems
Require unconventional solutions...though I'm not sure if unconventional even begins to describe this.
Have you ever seen a séance performed with a gun? Well, if you haven't, look no further than that assassin I've been droning on and on about. BobbyDazzler called Phantom to the mortal realm long enough to shoot him with 50,000 bullets, prompty sending the poltergeist back the way he came.
Certified...in a Sense
With Phantom taken care of, BobbyDazzler must have considered himself something of an afterlife expert.
My sources say his next victim was the revered angel of death himself, our assassin taking matters into his own hands to make the name just a little more fitting. BobbyDazzler executed AOD with 15,000 bullets, but his luck with spirits may have caused him to get a little ahead of himself.
...Which Isn't a Lot, but It's Weird That It Happened Twice
Remember Eska? Of course you do, he was partially responsible for one of the zeroes we crowned in the last edition!
So what has he been up to since then? You guessed it - still making our mafiosos work for their meals. BobbyDazzler tried to step to him with 10,000 bullets but Eska remained unbothered, walking away from the attempt just as easily as he had walked away from Gandalf's.
Double Trouble
Squad composition, weapon loadout, real-time strategy...I'm sure we all can agree they're necessary, but I bet we'll disagree on just about everything else.
It might be a hard pill to swallow, but until you find a combination that works for you, it's going to be a lot of trial and error. BobbyDazzler challenged Mrhole22 to a rematch and shot another 10,000 bullets but he came up short again, Mrhole22 disengaging from the fight just in time to walk away with his life.
No, You're Not Experiencing Déjà Vu
I'm just talking about BobbyDazzler and Mrhole22 again.
Fatigued? Okay,ButThisIsTheLastTime. Word to BONES.
Since his first two shots proved ineffective BobbyDazzler stocked up on ammo and shot 15,000 bullets the third time around, killing Mrhole22 and sending him back to the lobby screen.
Taking Care of Business
Say what you will about BobbyDazzler, the man knows how to tie up loose ends. Eska enjoyed a good run of playing hard to get, but as you've probably gathered by now, catching the attention of a certain assassin around here winds up being a death sentence one way or another.
When BobbyDazzler confronted him again he made sure it would be their final encounter, shooting Eska with 30,000 bullets and putting an end to his days of dodging the graveyard.
There Can Only Be One
I mean, the guy's been shooting everyone else, are we really surprised BobbyDazzler would shoot someone unfortunate enough to share a name with him?
A banker by day and a thug by night, Bob was set up to make quite the hefty fortune for himself - if it weren't for that tricky little detail I mentioned a moment ago. BobbyDazzler spotted the banker making a withdrawal from an ATM but he clearly wasn't interested in robbing his victim, killing Bob with 20,000 bullets and fleeing the scene before the ATM could finish processing the transaction.
Don't Worry, You Can Trust Me
I'm talking about a different killer for a change.
Another banker with big dreams, Rockefeller swooped in to take over some of the prime bank real estate up for grabs.
I can only guess he had aspirations to eventually monopolize the market, because it didn't take long for him to start killing his competition, shooting fellow banker Trust with 250,000 bullets.
Okay, Hear Me Out
You guys may have gotten me to come around and start calling it football, but that still doesn't mean I understand it.
Lucky for you, I don't need to understand it to tell you Rockefeller certainly wasn't a fan of it.
Thirty minutes after his first kill he claimed his second victim, shooting Hojlund with 250,000 bullets and wiping the Man United family in the process.
Don't Ask Me About Domain Expansions
If you know, you know. And if you don't, well...we'll be here all day.
What's important to know is that it's near impossible to visit the malevolent shrine and leave it alive, but Strudel somehow managed to get the drop on the King of Curses and pull it off.
Cursed energy is quick but it turns out good old fashioned firepower is quicker, Strudel killing Sukuna with 60,000 bullets.
This Is So Sad, Siri Play Despacito
Fun fact, the original meme actually asks Alexa to play the song, but if I'd never asked Siri, I never would have discovered my favorite Enforcer command.
But that's not what we're here to talk about, we're here to talk about how generational talent won't save you when you end up at odds with the wrong person. Mossberg specialized in manufacturing shotguns, rifles, scopes, and pistol accessories; but unfortunately for him Strudel specialized in manufacturing murder - killing Mossberg with 30,000 bullets.
But Don't Tell No Lies About Me, and I Won't Tell Truths 'Bout You
Just kidding, I'm contractually obligated to expose you guys, and ya'll know how much I pride myself on being the problematic one.
I'm told he was known for his socially conscious lyricism and wordplay. I'm also told Drake featured one of his songs on OVO Sound Radio, so for the sake of being neutral, I'll let you guys form your own opinions.
The fact of the matter is, SANTAN met a grisly end when Strudel shot him down with 30,000 bullets.
A Clean Slate
Means absolutely nothing around here, sorry to be the bearer of bad news.
No matter how good you wanna be, there's always gonna be someone else around the corner willing to get their hands dirty. Tub learned that the hard way when our resident pastry aficionado got their hands dirty at his expense, Strudel killing him with a hasty 20,000 bullets.
Don't You Wanna?
Get through the rest of this graveyard section? 'Cause I sure do.
We've nearly reached the finish line, but first we need to talk about one of my favorite things - soders.
I can only assume that Strudel doesn't like them as much as I do, because he didn't hesitate to kill Fanta with 25,000 bullets.
NoYouAreNot
A little too on the nose? Sorry, I couldn't help myself.
With the right moves they might have gotten away with laying low and learning how to play, but then they had to go and start bragging in their username.
With a little bit of meddling and 25,000 bullets, Strudel killed iamthebest before they could prove it.
Silver Lining
I don't have a murder victim for you this time, the only thing that got killed in this exchange was the vibe.
The connoisseur of pastries was on a six kill hot streak, but lucky number 7 turned out to be a bust. Strudel shot LwDaChRiS with 35,000 bullets but it wasn't enough, hitting nothing but kevlar and allowing his victim to escape with their life.
What is Aloha?
A hello, a goodbye, a very essence of being centered around love, peace, compassion, and a mutual understanding of respect.
And then there's Aloha, who just can't seem to get on the same page as DeafStyle, despite his best efforts.
I still haven't been able to track her down to question her myself, but I'm told she didn't even slow down to confirm her kill, driving by and shooting Aloha with 50,000 bullets before speeding away with the sound of diss tracks fading in the distance.
Try Not To Laugh
It might not be an entire compilation, but I do have an epic fail for you.
I'm sure Stiperstones envisioned a much different outcome when he thought about his next kill, but as we all know by now, there's a reason the Stats Page says "Last 10 Attempts" and not "Last 10 Kills." Stiperstones loaded up 20,000 bullets and took a pot shot, but Epic managed to survive the attempt.
This Is the Closest We Ever Get To Going To the Movies
What do you do when you've got a nazi(username, let's not get hasty here) who wants to die for his country?
That's easy, oblige him. And Stiperstones was more than happy to oblige his next target.
Baseball bats can be a nice touch, but we all seem to prefer our guns around here, Stiperstones killing HansLanda with 30,000 bullets.
A King Is Only as Strong as His Kingdom
And the kings around here should really start surrounding themselves with a sufficiently skilled royal guard. KingSte enjoyed a quiet reign during the time he spent with us, but as I've tried to warn you guys countless times by now, things don't always stay quiet around here. Stiperstones decided a little regicide was in order for his next kill, putting an end to KingSte's legacy with 15,000 bullets.
Money Can't Buy Everything
Well, in this case, it technically could have...but it turns out Rockefeller is much better at making money than he is at making plans.
If you've kept up with my previous editions, you probably already know that Bootsy isn't a man to be trifled with, but it turns out one opportunistic banker didn't get the memo. Rockefeller tried to put Bootsy down with a meager 22,000 bullets and paid the ultimate price, triggering his opponent's backfire and dying when Bootsy returned fire with a resounding 250,000 bullets.
Wake Up, Babe! New War Just Dropped
What? You think you're exasperated? Oh, my sweet little birds. You only had to read to get to this point. If you're exasperated, then I'm outta my mind.
It's definitely not his quote, but as my good friend The Situation likes to say, we didn't come this far just to come this far. It's time for some ground breaking news.
The newly formed family originally debuting as Murder Mob made some devastating first moves and went to war with Adrenaline Rush, Strudel killing Rain with 500,000 bullets.
Prepare for Trouble! And Make It Double!
Did I say that Murder Mob was going to war with Adrenaline Rush? Sorry, I should have said Murder Mob was going to war with Adrenaline RushandThe Vindicant.
And who better to join in Murder Mob's efforts than the assassin I've talked about tirelessly in this edition?
That's right, BobbyDazzler was back to cause a little more mayhem, sniping DREXL with an efficient 150,000 bullets.
Mob Deep
Okay, you got me. Murder Mobtechnically doesn't have the roster numbers to roll mob deep, but that doesn't mean they don't have the spirit.
Their next victim was another member of The Vindicant and another one of our quieter players, I put my best little birds out on the case but I didn't manage to dig up anything about Vince.
I may have come up empty-handed on information but I can confidently tell you that Vince had at least established a presence for himself, BobbyDazzler shooting him with a calamitous 450,000 bullets to ensure he walked away with another kill for his roster.
The Sky Is Blue
And so am I, reporting on this kind of heavy news doesn't get any easier no matter how many times I do it. Murder Mob may have started with Adrenaline Rush when they kicked things off with their first attack, but it was clear they were focusing the bulk of their efforts on decimating The Vindicant.
I couldn't begin to tell you how he managed to reload as fast as he did, but BobbyDazzler shot Blue with a blistering 450,000 bullets, killing him and wiping The Vindicant family in the process.
Listen, I Made a Mistake
But we'll talk about that in a little bit, okay? We're not done talking about Murder Mob.
With The Vindicant family wiped out and taken care of, it should come as no surprise that Murder Mob pivoted back to Adrenaline Rush. Arteta turned out to be their next unfortunate victim, Strudel killing him with a scathing 350,000 bullets.
A Fatal Miscalculation Murder Mob had enjoyed a successful series of attacks up until now, but all good things must come to an end.
Sometimes you can take out the last member of a family as easily as you had taken out the rest, and other times you find out there's a reason he's the last man standing. Strudel tried to take Ginge out with 150,000 bullets but his attempt fell flat, dying when he triggered Ginge's backfire of 235,000 bullets.
Bonus Round
Yup, we also had some hitlist events since you saw me last. So why don't we finish off this graveyard section with some rapid fire information?
Let's Work Together...In Theory Suspect: Synergy Crime(s): Requesting all of my worst moments get pinned, or just pinning them herself; murder. Victim(s): JordanGolik, HipolitoCornelius, KarolineCravens, CandelariaPajerski, DanielleWaughtel, JohnieInocencio. Failed Attempt(s): EvitaVitali Bullets Used: 645,500
Give It a Little Razzle Dazzle Suspect: BobbyDazzler Crime(s): Falsely claiming to be the Quiz Champion before properly earning the title; bot sniping; murder. Victim(s): MorganRiddleberger, SydneyYake, JonathanEhlers, TaniaTandon, IvelisseSublett. Failed Attempt(s): IvelisseSublett (the first time.) Bullets Used: 580,000
Oh No, She's Got Her Airpods In Suspect: DeafStyle Crime(s): Conveniently being deaf until diss tracks drop; bot sniping; murder. Victim(s): LalyaPocai, AugustinaChirasello, AvaSchulke, ValeryFure, CaterinaScism, LucyPaonessa. Failed Attempt(s): MorganRiddleberger Bullets Used: 500,000
Take a Seat in the Devil's Chair Suspect: Stiperstones Crime(s): Giving me a run for my money in quiz competitions; murder. Victim(s): JerrieDrawbaugh, JackiClemons, LaquitaCarlen. Bullets Used: 446,000
Call That Just Deserts Suspect: Strudel Crime(s): Running people down for the smuggle route; murder. Victim(s): BrittniMaclauchlan Bullets Used: 60,000
Bottom Rung Suspect: SlateRandell Crime(s): Not holding onto his money tightly enough; challenging the wrong bot to a wrestling match. Failed Attempt(s): ValeryFure Bullets Used: 28,000
Wait...you cut it off there?!
Of course I did. I mean I could tell you all about Murder Mob rebranding to Clean up crew, and all the mischief they and the rest of you have caused since then, but I have to save some content for the next edition, don't I?
Aht, aht - it was a rhetorical question. Please forward your backchat to the discord server.
Normally I'd swing by the cafe to try and get you guys an exclusive interview, but I gotta be honest, I'm all talked out this time around. I think I'm gonna skip out on the cafe this time, but I promise we'll stop by for a visit in the next edition.
Tom told Maxexactly how he felt about being called a secret Tory...
And Mandy became the first person to submit a "Spotted on Discord" moment, which she expertly used to expose how catastrophic my messages can be when you take them out of context.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, one thing I'm never gonna learn is a lesson. If you have a moment you'd like to see in a future paper, yes, even if it's one of my worst, take a screenshot of it and send it to me in a message, or send it my way on Discord (plyingpidgeon) - chances are, you'll see it the next time I publish an edition!
Hero & Zero
Love it or hate it, we're back for another edition of Hero & Zero! This week's Hero is Tom aka BobbyDazzler, and this week's Zero is a bit of a special case. Surprise! It's me!
Hero
Are you really surprised that Tom aka BobbyDazzler took home the Hero trophy after all those kills I just rattled off? You shouldn't be, but if you are, let me humbly inform you that Tom accomplished another milestone in the wake of his massacre - taking the #1 spot on the Overall Leaderboard.
Zero
Remember that mistake I mentioned earlier? Yeah, that's why I'm taking home the Zero trophy this week. Last edition I told you Matty was Arteta, but it turns out that was actually Steve. My apologies!
Can you believe? Three whole papers, look at them go.
I'm just about ready to sign off, but this time I thought I'd be a little selfish with the closing section...
I've gotten quite a few compliments since I started publishing editions, and I'll never shy away from telling you guys how much I appreciate every single one of them. But if I can be honest with you for a sec, I...kinda didn't feel like a real Editor until I got this one.
For every great Editor, there's an even better Editor standing behind them and showing them the way, and I couldn't have done any of this without witnessing the effort that Urch put in before me, or without the templates that he left behind for me to inherit.
I can't possibly thank you all enough, you wind me up but you're also some of the most gracious and kind readers I ever could have asked for. It's been a pleasure being your Editor, and I look forward to bringing you many more editions.
Thanks so much for checking out Edition 3 of UK-Mafia Times - Pidgeon Edition!
I'm going to celebrate by throwing myself a little party at the publishing studio. I'd invite you guys, but I can't 'cause y'know...it's in Belfast.
That being said, I wouldn't recommend trying to crash the party anyway. In an effort to beef up my security while I'm chasing down these scoops, I've recently acquired a bodyguard, and he's taking his job a lot more seriously than I expected him to. Just ask this poor guy...
Special Thanks
The Cod Streaming Chat for being a whole vibe. Come hang out with us!
And you guys, for making it to the end of another edition. Thanks for reading!
UK-Mafia Times - Pidgeon Edition 4
"Ugh, You Again?"
Immediate disrespect is some nasty work, I like your style. I'll address it in a second, but first...
Updates
• The Lotto has been moved to 5 day draws. There is still a guaranteed draw every 7 days.
• Fixed a typo in the point store. Double production is 20 points, not 25.
• The Foundry limit to buy has been raised to 5,000 when stock is over 20,000. It is still limited to 1,000 per buy if stock is below 20,000.
And our most exciting update yet:
• Papers on Demand!
That's right, you can now read the news without being logged in, there's a link right on the homepage.
Make sure you thank Matty|Jock for the idea, rumor has it he requested it once or twice over the course of 672 days.
So, yeah. It's me again. And with this newfound recognition I walked in like I owned the place. What are you gonna do about it?
Don't answer that - I'll tell you what you're gonna do. You're gonna sit back and enjoy this edition, because it might just be my last one for a little while...
Sorry, no time to explain. Just meet me at the graveyard, yeah?
UK Mafia Graveyard
I hope you've got your flowers ready, it's time for another somber trip through our ever-expanding graveyard.
So what have I got for you this time? Well, it was supposed to be a succinct little mini edition with a crew rebranding and a couple of kill streaks, but alas.
The list is getting longer by the day and my patience was an imaginary concept to begin with, so I hope you're ready for me to recount these with the same signature energy you've come to expect out of me by now.
I Have To Admit... Bootsy nearly took home this edition's Hero title for this kill, because any kill that gives me an excuse to rewatch The Scorpion King fighting Imhotep and Rick O'Connell is a great kill.
Unfortunately, Scorpion963 didn't have the Army of Anubis on his side, but would it have really made a difference? The Scorpion King did and it certainly didn't do him any favors. Bootsy shot him down with a modest 15,000 bullets, and I'm pleased to announce the special effects around here were much more equipped to illustrate Scorpion963's journey back to the Underworld.
Do You Have the Slightest Idea How Little That Narrows It Down?
As you've probably realized by now, I like to incorporate your usernames into the blurbs whenever possible. I just think it makes things a little more fun.
You know what's not fun? Trying to figure out what your names might mean when you give me nothing else to go off of. When I think of clippers I think of beard trimmers, so imagine my surprise when a little research revealed it could also mean a basketball team, a reusable lighter, or even a type of ship.
I couldn't begin to tell you which one Clipper held most dear to their heart, but I can tell you that Bootsy killed them with a clip of 15,000 bullets.
Put Some Respect on My Name
You have no idea how much physical pain it brought me to type respect correctly instead of typing it the way Birdman says it.
They put the memo right in their username but I'm guessing you guys didn't get it, Bootsy making the same mistake that Stiperstones made in our last edition. Bootsy fired off 15,000 bullets but the shot just wasn't epic enough, Epic surviving the second attempt on their life.
These Boots Were Made for Walking
And Bootsy wasn't about to let a failed attempt stop him from walking his enemies down (like with a poker face.)
If anything, I'd say it spurred him to keep right on going. You can take my word for it, I'm a professional. (Source: I still have a handful of Bootsy kills to cover after this.) Mckowibe was up next, Bootsy making quick (foot)work of him and putting him down with 15,000 bullets.
More Like No Hits
I've said it before and I'll say it again, bragging in your usernames is a dangerous game.
Not only does it attract unwanted attention, it also gives me ample opportunities to joke about them in these editions. m0hitz didn't pull off a single hit before ultimately becoming a hit on someone else's list, Bootsy killing them with 20,000 bullets.
We're All a Little Crazy
Some of us are even crazy enough to teach introductory classes on the topic.
If you're looking for a course recommendation I'm afraid you've come to the wrong place, my madness is immeasurable and my schedule is much too full for a curriculum.
If you're here for the news, however, I've got you. Bootsy made a few changes to the syllabus, ensuring the final exam was cancelled when he executed nutjob101 with 15,000 bullets.
So Maybe It Wasn't a Lozza...
But I'm not about to play the semantics game with you, it was still more than the first attempt.
You can fly through the clouds, sail on the sea, no matter what you do you'll never get away from Bootsy.
Unfortunately, we don't have time for a malt shop montage, but I can tell you Bootsy put Lozza out of his misery with 15,000 bullets.
The Devil Works Hard
But Kris Jenner works harder, and Bootsy works even harder than that. JennerR did just enough work to claim their starter pack and then, well...you know how it goes.
Starter packs don't really amount for much when your opponent can just add an extra zero, Bootsy executing JennerR with 15,000 bullets.
There's Nothing Chill About Capitalism
But I probably shouldn't start that conversation, as fun as it would be.
Speaking of chill, you guys won't let Relax do his namesake at all, the guy can't catch a break no matter how peaceful he claims to be on his profiles.
If you're here for ranking and banking you won't be getting it done on Bootsy's watch, the sharp shooter making quick work of Relax with an effective 120,000 bullets.
That's the Tricky Thing About Overkill
Before you get those kill reports it's simply a matter of opinion, and both of the opinions in this exchange were wrong(mathematically.)
Now stay with me, Overkill's also a guy. Bootsy tried to kill him with 100,000 bullets, but didn't manage to wipe his kevlars completely. Overkill followed up with his backfire and shot back 130,000 bullets, but he didn't quite hit the mark either, his counter attack ultimately missing Bootsy.
Sorry, I Don't Write Epics
And don't even start fixing your lips to disagree with me, there's nothing poetic or narrative about these papers, long as they may be.
He may not have enjoyed the longest run, but after surviving one attempt on his life, it was certainly longer than most of the lifespans we see around here. Epic's legacy was ultimately snuffed out before a little world-building could set the scene, Bootsy taking him down with 50,000 bullets.
Clean Up on Aisle 9
Since you guys like history quizzes so much, I went ahead and made one for you. True or false: Murder Mob was founded by murderers.
False. Murder Mob was founded by opportunists. Opportunists that endeavored to make their intentions perfectly clear when they rebranded to the Clean up crew just a day after founding their family.
If you need anything(or anyone) cleaned up you should give them a call, just make sure you don't call Shakes's extension when you do, he won't be picking up because Ginge killed him with 180,000 bullets.
Flintstone Bust Down, Color Murakami
You know what I mean. Bad company, shady business.
Shady business is kind of part and parcel around here, and just like any business, even the shadiest ones can fall victim to restructuring under the right circumstances.
The circumstance in this specific instance was stagnation, Stiperstones shooting Shady with 20,000 bullets for inactivity.
Gather Round, Little Birds
Today I'm going to teach you about anime, or as FreeStyle likes to call it, Chinese cartoons.
Naruto is a perfect example. Reigning supreme as one of the Big Three, it's a nice, safe choice if your friends ever ask for a recommendation that has way too much filler.
Some characters have a never-ending supply of plot armor and others get a nice little flashback before they meet their end. Our community's Uzumaki was one of the latter, dying when Stiperstones shot him with 10,000 bullets.
This Is Crazy, I'm Getting F-
Just kidding, I'm not going to teach you about hentai.
In an effort to reach a wider audience this is a family-friendly paper, so you'll just have to settle for me teaching you about the dangers of hentai instead.
You're not getting rid of it without a well placed shot, BobbyDazzler failing to kill Hentai with 40,000 bullets.
And the Drink Machine Always Needs Service
No, seriously, I'm not going to teach you about hentai.
Go ahead and take your opportunity to shake your fist at the sky, that was your last chance to ask because this is the last time I'll speak on it. BobbyDazzler clearly doesn't want any naughty pixels on his Christian Minecraft server, coming back to finish the job and killing Hentai with 30,000 bullets.
You Either Die a Hero
Or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.
The Clean up crew is so dedicated to their craft that they'll clean up just about anybody, friend or foe.
They certainly don't skimp on the shots either, BobbyDazzler executing Zante with 200,000 bullets.
There's the Overkill I Was Looking For
Again, it's all subjective, really, but hundreds of thousands of bullets isn't a bad place to start.
Are we really shocked though? As much as I've talked about him by now, it should come as no surprise that the Clean up crew's assassin would come through with an effective shot.
With nobody to stand by him, Overkill had no choice but to perish when BobbyDazzler shot him with 200,000 bullets.
Disregard Everything You Thought About Cliques
It turns out those cheesy high school movies have been lying to us this whole time.
Jocks might be at the top of the food chain in the cinematic universe, but they don't enjoy the same luxury over here in ours. Jock tried to go long but he didn't go long enough, BobbyDazzler dropping him with 10,000 bullets.
If at First You Don't Succeed
Retry, retry again.
I just got back from researching extensive arguments about the correct number of tries in the proverb, so I'll be honest, I couldn't help misqoting it for my own creative whims.
I probably should have gone with Retry try again though, because BobbyDazzler killed them with 10,000 bullets.
Rumor Has It
The Grim Reaper wants a vacation after all this extra work BobbyDazzler has given him.
Considering the fact that BobbyDazzler gives me a bunch of extra work and asks me when I'll finish it, I have to admit I'm not particularly empathetic to the Reaper's woes.
But that's beside the point, what matters is the news - BobbyDazzler murdered LwDaChRiS with 200,000 bullets.
It Must Be the Limitless Technique
Simply put, it brings the concept of infinity into reality, allowing one to manipulate and distort space at will.
Even more simply put, you guys can't touch Ginge, because he's added a second backfire kill to his roster. Justify tried to take him out with 500,000 bullets but it wasn't enough, dying when Ginge returned the favor with 375,000 bullets.
I Never Said Limitless Was Foolproof
But don't take my word for it, you should just watch the Shibuya arc for yourself.
If you don't have time for all that, the point I'm trying to make is that even the most daunting enemies can be defeated if you overwhelm them before they can recover.
Nine hours after Justify's shot BobbyDazzler stepped in to finish what he started, killing Ginge with 800,000 bullets and wiping the Adrenaline Rush family.
Right, I'm Just Gonna Say It
I always preferred LogicBot.
If the reason BobbyDazzler gave for this next kill is anything to go by, it's safe to say he felt the same.
I can't quote the reason for you in the interest of avoiding swearing, but I can tell you BobbyDazzler killed Insomniac with 10,000 bullets.
Think of the Ecosystems
We've got a real problem on our hands, guys.
Rhinos are slow to reproduce, and their numbers are declining rapidly as a result of poaching.
It's a pretty serious issue, but that didn't stop Birmingham from hunting down Rhino, killing him with 25,000 bullets.
It's Been 84 Years...
I've typed this name so much that a small part of me was convinced I'd be typing it for the rest of the round, but alas, Edition 3's Hero has fallen.
Looking to wipe another family out, BobbyDazzler took aim and fired 817,796 bullets at Birmingham.
Quite an attack, to be sure, but not quite enough - dying when he triggered Birmingham's backfire of 350,000 bullets.
And Then a Hero Comes Along
A certain nightclub owner advertises an item shop on her profile, but it's beginning to look like she operates a bullet shop too. Edgar was back with a vengeance, but without ready access to his own bullets he turned to Bamboo for help.
Thus the Bcfc family fell, wiped out when Edgar killed Birmingham with 400,000 bullets.
You Guys Might Not Remember
But after that last kill it was quiet for a while, blissfully quiet, even...until DeafStyle ruined it.
She did a bunch of nonsensical yelling about going sicko mode, shot a plethora of bots that I'm not even going to bother to mention, and then she straight up goofed. DeafStyle shot 25,000 bullets at Nature and nearly met her end, narrowly avoiding Nature's backfire of 466,000 bullets.
Condemned
It's not necessarily a fun truth, but you can get shot for just about anything around here.
Sometimes it's a deep-seated grudge, sometimes it's because of where your loyalties lie, and sometimes, well...sometimes it's just because you annoyed the wrong person. Hobbs died when he made the last mistake I mentioned, Slaterandell killing him with 150,000 bullets.
DC Versus Marvel
Sorry, wrong crossover, but I'm very excited to announce that beef can officially traverse the mafia multiverse.
You can't advertise other mafia games over here, but your problems from other mafia games can follow you over here. Sturt was on the hunt for Stu but he didn't get off to a strong start, shooting Supasill with 3,000 bullets but failing to kill him.
A Man On a Mission
But Jesus Christ, he's no Jason Bourne. Sturt was bound and determined to find and kill Stu, but his gun didn't seem to share the same conviction.
He took aim and shot 4,100 bullets at Paqueta next, but his attempt fell short and his victim managed to escape with their life.
Say it Louder for the People in the Back
But not quite yet. We'll get there.
With a moment of clairvoyance he predicted the future and secured his first kill, Sturt taking Jon down with 5,000 bullets.
Once You Pop, You Can't Stop
Those old Pringles commercials were a bop, weren't they?
As it turns out, they're also great for illustrating a point. Sturt got a little taste of murder and liked it so much that he went on a massacre that claimed twelve more victims, killing Ash, Baran, Boost, Cloud, Confusion, Crybaby, CuShi, DonWar, Irch, Josh, JustPhil, and Kitsune with 4,250 bullets each.
It's Giving Obsessed
After rattling off twelve kills in rapid succession, I bet you thought I was done covering this little spat, right?
Wrong. This is gonna be a whole thing, so run and get your snacks now if you haven't already. (And bring me back a White Bueno because let's be honest, I deserve it.) Sturt wasn't going to let the protection of a family stop him from killing Stu, shooting into The Forgotten family and killing Time2Kill with 125,000 bullets.
Quick Hot Take
Sometimes your biggest enemy around here winds up being your own hubris.
They must call it The Forgotten family because they responded to a declaration of war so fast that they forgot to pick up a sufficient amount of bullets for their response. TunaFish returned fire six hours later and shot Sturt with 75,000 bullets, but it wasn't enough to kill his target and avenge his fallen family member.
You Hate To See It TunaFish may not have killed Sturt, but he certainly threw him off his game.
The only thing worse than having your kill streak broken is being the one to break it yourself. Sturt bided his time until the next day and shot TunaFish with 88,218 bullets, but his attempt ultimately fell short.
Gun To Ya Head
Spit a Birdman verse.
Oh, you don't have Birdman verses on standby? Don't sweat it, TunaFish didn't either.
When he didn't spit a verse he lost DeafStyle's favorite game, the degenerate nightclub owner killing TunaFish with 400,000 bullets and wiping The Forgotten family in the process.
Gun To Ya Head: Lightning Round!
Name me a Nick Cannon song that's not Gigolo.
It's no use, right? Yeah, that's why you save the Nick Cannon prompts for the Lightning Round. Sturt lost Gun To Ya Head a minute after TunaFish did, DeafStyle killing him with 400,000 bullets.
The Yelp Reviews Check Out
I may not be privy to the requests that the Clean up crew receives, but that doesn't mean I can't dig up evidence after a job well done.
Remember that Spotted on Discord moment way back in the first edition? Well, Taylor can sleep easy knowing her irrational fear isn't running around the streets of our community anymore. Edgar killed NickCage with 200,000 bullets, adding another contract to the 'cleaned' pile of his desk tray.
Here We Go Again
With DeafStyle bringing his hunt to a premature end, it's safe to say Sturt died with some unfinished business.
Not to worry though, his mum's taken up the mantle and even founded a family to make their mission that much more official.
Siri play 100k by Goodbye Tomorrow and then run it back one time, because SturtsMum killed Ibou with 200,000 bullets.
What Do You Call An Equestrian Dentist?
Stu, because he looks gift horses in the mouth. "Wait, you come up with fire jokes too?" I know, I know, it's like what can't I do, am I right? Higan was nice enough to kill SturtsMum with 300,000 bullets and wipe the SturtsDemise family, but Stu is still mean to him every chance he gets.
Too Hot, Don't Stop
Album of the year? Bando Stone and The New World, it got to be.
Not feeling it? My bad, I guess I'm the only one that can appreciate Childish Gambino sampling The Prodigy. SturtsDad was the next one to join the manhunt for Stu, and he started off by killing Pyro with 20,000 bullets. Now take a moment to breathe, little birds. I can hardly believe it myself, but we're almost done with this graveyard section.
Look Around
Can't you see this feud is presenting a real clutter problem for our community?
Look no further than the Organised Crime page if you're not convinced. You'll see exactly what I'm talking about, and you'll see this edition's next victim too. TheSideMan was looking for the perfect team when his plan blew up in his face, SturtsDad killing him with 75,000 bullets.
Stop Trying To Make Me Write Football Blurbs
It's just not gonna happen.
That being said, go ahead and pull up your Sky Bet apps. Or your BuildABet apps. Or whatever the app's called.
I hope you chose 'no' for goal in both halves, because SturtsDad came up short and failed to kill Walcott with 13,999 bullets in the first half.
Simon Pidgeon Says
Keep those apps open.
Gamblers rejoice, if you did choose 'no' for goal in both halves, this next blurb's for you. SturtsDad managed to come out victorious in the end, killing Walcott with 15,000 bullets just before the final whistle.
Bueller, Bueller, Bueller...
What do Ben Stein and SturtsDad have in common? Well, Ben Stein can't seem to find Ferris Bueller, and SturtsDad can't seem to find Stu.
It's certainly not for lack of trying though.
He took out CK and test while scouring the streets, killing them both with 5,000 bullets respectively.
Cow, If You Would Be So Kind
But for real this time.
Infamous for his spelling ability, Informus killed SturtsDad with 370,000 bullets and wiped the SturtsDemise family.
You Know What I Hate?
That new trend where people say they're feeling "very demure" and "very cutesy" incessantly.
You know what Stu hates? Nephilim, apparently.
So much so that he took him out just a few minutes later, killing Nephilim with 290,000 bullets.
No, I Didn't Take This Hit Out Myself
I might beg you guys to stop shooting each other when I'm feeling overwhelmed with my editorial duties, but I would never take matters into my own hands like that.
That being said, someone must have gotten in contact with the Clean up crew.
They put one of their best men on the case, Edgar killing Informus with 178,000 bullets.
The Family That Just Won't Quit
You guessed it, the SturtsDemise family is back again.
This time they're craftier than ever before, they even managed to sneak a gun into Bamboo.
It turns out DeafStyle likes her club-goers as deaf as she is, because nobody heard SturtsExWife sneak in and kill Higan with 430,000 bullets.
The Campaign That Keeps Going and Going
I don't know when I'll release this edition, but greetings from the past. It is currently 3:04 AM on August 24th, so I gotta say, I'm getting pretty tired.
You know who doesn't get tired? The Energizer Bunny The members of SturtsDemise.
They never seem to get tired of killing Stu, because SturtsExWife killed Infomus with 35,000 bullets.
This Is a Real Family Affair
You guys have gone and bullied each other so much that we've got mums on patrol.
I already told you about SturtsMum, and I think DeafStylesMom made a brief appearance too.
But now we gotta worry about JonsMum as well, because they killed SturtsExWife with 450,000 bullets.
And that's it. We're done. I don't want to think about any more graveyard blurbs until next round. "But what if I kill someone after this edition is published?!"
I'm so glad you asked. Here's your consolation blurb.
You earned it, champ.
I'm getting tired of this clown skimming over his name in the paper, so we've got Tom in the hot seat for this interview so I can try a more direct approach.
Editor - What's up, Tom? I'm sure you know the drill by now. Go ahead and introduce yourself to the readers.
Tom - Hello all! I'm Tom, the friendlier of the two Tom's. I've been part of the furniture here for about 2 years now.
Editor - You've accomplished quite a bit this round, you even managed to usurp the Editor position for a brief portion of the Notts trip. Of all the moves you've made since January, which would you say is your favorite?
Tom - Haha! When one editor rage quits spaces must be filled!! I don't think I could ever replace you though. I gotta admit, looking at the leaderboard and seeing BobbyDazzler at the top, I think that's been my favourite of the year so far.
Editor - And how about the other side of things? Anything you're not so proud of? Maybe something that you wish had worked out better?
Tom - Probably underestimating Birmingham. Once I died on BobbyDazzler in backfire I haven't had the same motivation. I did everything I wanted on that account.
Editor - I'm sure I already know your answer, but who do you think is gonna win the Quiz Competition?
Tom - That's a hard one, I'll be honest. I've been at top of the board for a while, I got a few wins while Taylor was away but I feel like I'm having to look over my shoulder now. Taylor always gives me that challenge and pushes me to the end! I still think me though. I'm sure you'll know, you'll never hear the end of it if I do!
Editor - You know I love feedback this time of year, so let's hear yours. What were your favorite and least favorite changes introduced with this round? Is there anything you'd like to see added to the game, or maybe a feature you'd like to see tweaked?
Tom - Personally I love the fact you don't need to hold bullets in backfire anymore and you can control how much you shoot back at different ranks. Nobody can use dirty tactics from a level 1 to make you waste your bullets/defense. I'd also like to see incognito kills or only a couple of statements sent out. It would make the game so tense! The lack of trust would drive people insane!!
Editor - And now a treat for the little birds, what's one tip you'd pass onto any players reading this edition?
Tom - Join the discord chat and get into a team. you never get far in this game working alone. I've known the guys I run with for around 15 years, give or take. We joined together, we've learned together and let's face it, one of us usually ends the round at the top. Big up the International Mafia!!
Editor - You did it, Tom. You got your name in the paper. Again. What do you have to say for yourself? And what do you have to say to the readers, if you haven't said it already?
Tom - Thanks Ash! I've made it in life, I can retire happy! As I said before, if our readers haven't already, join the discord chat! I love the atmosphere we've got right now and there's so much going on, weekly quizzes (Saturdays 9.30pm!) We play cod together in voice chat and we have a Stu who likes to tell jokes. Thanks all, and thank you for having me Ash!
So yeah, I might have made the promise back in May, but I promised you another interview, and pidgeons always keep their promises.
I also promised you this edition, so before anyone goes ahead and makes it any longer than it already is, let's...
Matty missed a letter while trying to find the name of a Hungary Striker that got injured, and if you look closely enough, you can see FreeStyle and I dying on the kill cam he got for it.
Oh, don't make that face. In an effort to make sure this didn't ruffle any feathers, I got permission for this one.
If you have a moment you'd like to see in a future paper, send it my way on Discord (plyingpidgeon) - just don't do it until next round, yeah? This place is starting to become a hazard to my health.
Hero & Zero
And so we come to the penultimate moment - the final edition of Hero and Zero. This week's Hero is Declan aka Birmingham, and this week's Zero is Ashton aka DeafStyle.
Hero
There's actually tons of ways to take home the Hero trophy around here, but if you're looking for a sure-fire way to do it, killing the #1 account on the Overall Leaderboard with your backfire is a good place to start. Congrats, Declan!
Zero
I know what you're thinking. "How can she get the Zero trophy when she's top of the leaderboard with 66 kills?" Simple. She's a liar, a fraud, and a sham. For every kill displayed on her profile, there's a failed shot hidden on her attempts page. More even. Something to the effect of 69? (Nice.) I don't know. I got tired of counting. As if that wasn't bad enough, she loaned Stu 660,000 bullets, and I have it on pretty good authority that the only thing she's gotten in return is 660,000 excuses for why he can't pay her back. Absolute clown behavior. Enjoy your Zero trophy, you've earned it.
Ta-da! The coveted 4th Edition - was it everything you hoped it would be?
I sure hope so, because I'm just about ready to sign off and hang my hat up for the rest of the-
"When's the next paper?"
Thanks so much for checking out Edition 4 of UK-Mafia Times - Pidgeon Edition!
I'm officially on vacation until next round. If you need me, make sure you hit up my other, somehow even more problematic, persona.
Just don't get upset if you don't get an answer. She's deaf, y'know?
Special Thanks
My sheer force of will, it's the only reason this paper exists.
And you guys, for reaching the finish line with me. Thanks for reading!
