Hey. Hope you don't mind a moonlight drop, I've ascended to my aloof era.
What's New?
The year. The round. The goodies we added. The bugs we fixed. Stuff. Things. Here's a refresher:
• Contracts have been removed from the game, and replaced with daily tasks. These tasks will be generated every day for you to complete, and have a stacking effect on consecutive days.
• Some changes to missions. Mission coins are no longer the main reward. We moved to a cash reward which rewards more than the cost of the mission, making them profitable EVERY time if you do them right.
• Some changes to ranking. The focus has been taken off jail and OC's and moved more onto the crimes in the game. There will still be an element of using the jail and OC route to rank, but this will need to be supplemented by making sure you do the crimes the game has to offer as well.
• If you want to make a statement, your reputation should precede you - so we've got rep now. Earn it by doing missions, daily tasks, redeeming scratchies, and simply by being active. We like having you around.
• We even got a whole rep store so you can cash your rep in for goodies. What's that? You're short on rep? Worry not, friends. That's what The Repositorium/Rep-o-Rama/Rep-o Depot/etc. (or Rep Cetera) is for. Never underestimate what an Admin and an Editor can come up with just hours before launch.
• Some updates to GTAs / BTAs, and a range of new cars and boats to go with them.
• Some UI changes, including pre-set OC % splits.
• Some small changes to refinery amounts for balance.
• Item inventory was moved back to the left menu, you can find it under the Main section.
• Extortion now has 'No Family' as the default option.
• Some small changes to mission values and mission value selection.
• Updated cash buy price to 55k per rep point in the Rep Xchange.
• Your mug cooldown timer is now halved while you have a daily mug task. Learning you guys balk at the idea of a lady asking you to do a little work was priceless. Cheers.
• Bullet and Kevlar task amounts were adjusted and I totally didn't spit my dummy out about it, you're just imagining things. Moving on...
• Family leaders who have no family members now have the option to drop the family. It was Suicide's idea.
• There's a Vehicle Market now, where you can buy and sell vehicles for use in some game features. Vehicles sold on the market will not be able to be used in the refinery. You can add to the market by selecting the car or boat in your vehicles section and opening the options link. It was Max's idea.
I'm sure you're all aware of the bug fixes because you helped find a lot of the bugs, but I'll list them anyways. Ta-da:
• Fixed an issue with the repair all boats button.
• Fixed an issue with Factory Insight in the Rep Store.
• Fixed an issue with mission boat deposit.
• Fixed some small UI issues.
• Fixed an issue with the sell all boats / cars buttons.
• Fixed an issue with referral rewards containing mission coins and updated rewards to any account owed.
• Fixed a small issue where some users were getting more than 3 tasks per day.
• Fixed an issue with BTA daily tasks.
• Fixed an issue with GTA and BTA positions on the leaderboard.
• Fixed an issue with the ship all button in the Garage and Marina.
• Fixed an issue with Garage and Marina capacity.
• Fixed some issues with GTAs/BTAs.
• Fixed an issue where certain boats were allowed to be melted after being sent.
• Fixed a small issue where Syndicate UI was still referencing mission coins.
• Fixed a small issue in mission creation which gave no money reward and reimbursed the affected players.
• Fixed a small issue where GTA and BTA task trackers would occassionally count failed attempts.
• Fixed an issue with the lottery draw timer.
• Fixed a family drop issue where the LHM was not being set to leader when the leader was killed.
• Ghost fixed an advanced crimes typo that Urch found. Sources claim he responded "fxck off" when asked to fix another typo I found at Urch's request (but it is fixed!)
Right, now the hard part...
UK Mafia Graveyard
These days my creativity has become something of an anomoly...a fleeting concept, if you will. Forgive me if these blurbs don't hit the same. The good news is you guys still hit the same, right?
...Wrong
They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks...I guess you can't teach them to shoot either.
While most of you were getting ready for bed on night two, Dog had another plan up his sleeve. He kicked things off and fired 235,000 bullets Banjo's way. Banjo was prepared enough to tank the shot, but he wasn't properly equipped to finish the job, his backfire of 75,000 bullets narrowly missing Dog.
Maybe Try a Percussion Instrument Next Time
I already know this one tickled the community, because believe it or not, I got my very first paper inquiry while the dust was still settling.
Not one to leave a slight unanswered, Banjo was quick to return fire, shooting Dog with 179,000 bullets.
His bullets had a jaunty rhythm but Dog's bullets had more bang, surviving the shot and killing Banjo with his backfire of 90,000 bullets.
Keep Those Cravings in Check
If you've got a bit of a sweet tooth, I regret to inform you that our community's Haribo is sugar free.
If you don't understand that reference, let's just say he knows how to start some shxt. Adrenaline Rush went to war with the Salvatore family, Haribo killing Peacemaker with 235,000 bullets.
If You Need a Savior...
You can't call the Salvatore family anymore. Unfortunately, they couldn't save themselves from the war they ended up in.
That's not to say they didn't try, but if you've been around here long enough, you know that Adrenaline Rush is relentless once they've picked a target.
Just a minute after dealing with Peacemaker, Haribo killed Stefan with 225,000 bullets, wiping the Salvatore family in the process.
Sometimes You Gotta Pop Out
And shoot blanks, apparently.
It's safe to assume most of our mafiosos were biding their time following the squabble between Adrenaline Rush and the Salvatore family, but it seems Blanko could have used a little more prep time for the scheme he had planned.
He failed to kill Pazzo with 197,000 bullets, but he was just lucky enough to narrowly avoid Pazzo's backfire of 131,000 bullets.
You Gotta Appreciate the Commitment
I'm sure you know how that saying goes, "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again." Yeah? Blanko certainly does, laying low for a few hours before launching another attack to finish what he started.
He gathered 162,000 bullets for his second attempt, tracking Pazzo down and killing him.
Loose Lips Sink Ships
If you know, you know, but that's a story for another time, friends.
There's a plethora of lessons to learn around here. We could argue about their specific importance all day long, but I'm sure we can all agree that a big one is the make sure you know exactly who you're inviting to your family.
I'm told JigSaw learned that lesson the hard way, Haribo killing him with 247,000 bullets after taking a look at his crew roster.
Finally, a Worthy Opponent
I'm no mythology major, but I'm pretty sure the requirements to get into Valhalla are simple: die heroically in combat.
And what makes a better opponent than one who's seen all the action? Sky picked a fight with GhostsMumsAnus but he came out on top and killed them with 150,000 bullets, fate deciding he would continue to watch over the Road to Valhalla instead of crossing it.
Please Don't Make Me Talk About Fallout
If I start talking about Fallout I'll start rambling and then we'll never get to the end of this edition. Ugh. Fine. Here's one fun fact: Jack, the unique variant of the Ripper from Fallout 3, can successfully strike about 533 times from full condition before breaking.
Unfortunately, our community's Ripper isn't quite as effective when it comes to killing, failing to kill Haribo with 383,000 bullets.
Birds of a Feather Flock Together
I would know, being a pidgeon and all that.
As it turns out, criminals are no different, Blanko finding a home with HMP after securing his first kill.
He must have been eager to impress his mates because he got to work immediately, killing Ripper with 220,000 bullets.
Let Sleeping Dogs Lie
Because what's the point of provoking another family when you've already got one beating down your door?
I suppose Superman's got a bit of his very own complex, because he decided to take on Adrenaline Rush instead of avenging Ripper's death.
It's too bad that his bullets aren't as super as he is, 202,474 of them failing to kill Dog.
I Guess It Wasn't Fortified Enough
Those of you who know me by now know that I love a good fortress of solitude, given the fact I've been hiding in mine a lot lately.
You know how I keep this publishing studio so secure? I mind my business and I do my job, which, coincidentally, is minding all of your business.
Perhaps the Fortress of Solitude would still be standing today if Superman had done the same, Haribo killing him with 275,000 bullets and destroying his family's sanctuary in the process.
Put Some Oomph Into It
If I had a dollar for everytime I've told ya'll to stop underestimating level 1 accounts I could have retired by now, but alas. ItzLiammm was our latest mafioso to make that mistake, and his attempt might just be one of the worst I've seen throughout my entire editing career.
He tried to execute Revenant with 1,000 bullets, but I guess you're built different once you return from the dead, his victim surviving the shot despite lacking a kevlar vest.
Could You Define 'Oomph' a Little More Clearly?
I mean...I probably could, but I can't give you guys all the answers, where's the fun in that? ItzLiammm may not have the best gun on his dashboard, but he's certainly got the spirit.
Spirit as in pizzazz and not the returned spirit he was hunting, Revenant tanking his second shot of 2,000 bullets just as effectively as he tanked the first.
Life is Fleeting
Even more so if you find yourself the "lucky" winner of a bullet or kevlar factory. Life only got to enjoy his bounty for a short 27 hours before it was taken from him. Blanko must have decided it was free real estate, killing Life with 160,000 bullets.
Get a New Gimmick
I swear, you guys pull this line out earlier and earlier with each reset.
No, UK-Mafia isn't dead, the round just started. UKM on the other hand...
Well, let's just say he was sunset before the game that inspired his name, Dog killing him with 100,000 bullets.
Third Time's the Charm
Especially when you get your viking big brother to tag in and finish the job. ItzLiammm couldn't seem to get a handle on eliminating his target, but it's clear Ragnar didn't have the same problem.
With a swift 5,000 bullets the job was finally done, Revenant's return to this mortal plane tragically cut short.
Woop Woop
That's the sound of the police.
Bang bang.
That's the sound of Police dying, Sky executing him with 275,000 bullets.
Death is a Gift
There's nothing I love more than researching a name for a blurb only to find out it's from an anime I haven't seen yet.
Unfortunately, that means I'm a bit out of my depth here, so I must beg your pardon if this one is a bit...irregular.
My sources tell me that Odin was less than impressed with Urek's rapping, commanding Ragnar to kill him with 140,000 bullets for a little peace and quiet.
Spread Your Wings and Fly
Much like these papers that eventually get kicked out of my nest, sometimes you have to leave your family behind to reach your full potential.
That's what Keeper tried to do on a fateful Thursday evening, but it seems he just wasn't ready to make it big.
He tried to take Blanko down with 121,123 bullets but triggered his backfire instead, dying in a barrage of 195,000 bullets.
Stop Playing with Your Food
It's not just bad table manners, it's rude to the chef. Dog has proved to be quite the versatile player thus far, capable of tanking shots and killing with or without backfire, but I get the feeling he may be getting a little restless.
He took a break from his usual M.O. to enjoy more casual pursuits, killing Noob123 with 5,500 bullets.
For the Record
It's spelled A-N-O-N-Y-M-O-U-S. I truly don't understand why that's so hard for some of ya'll to grasp.
I suppose it doesn't really matter though, it turns out Anonumus was as good at surviving as he was at spelling.
Which is to say...not very good, Haribo killing him with 118,000 bullets.
I'd Tell You I Don't Know How to Play Poker...
But then FreeStyle would expose me for being a hustling card shark, and we can't have that, can we?
A royal flush would win the hand in a traditional game, but it turns out we have more than a few wild cards around here. RoyalFlush bought in but Sky made off with the pot in the end, killing him with 10,000 bullets.
Look How They Massacred My Boy
Editors are kind of like the Avatar. A cosmic chain of beings destined to collect knowledge and publish it when we feel like it.
We are also responsible for laying each other to rest, which is becoming quite expensive to outsource. You ever seen a pidgeon build a nest? Yeah, turns out we're not very good at digging graves either. Urch was just trying to have a little fun, but Blanko didn't appreciate his attempt at making things interesting, killing him with 220,000 bullets.
It's Going Down
I'm yelling timber.
You better move, you better dance and move often if you find yourself in the sights of Adrenaline Rush. MrWorldwide tried to hold out as long as he could, but his lockjaw could use a little work, Blanko killing him with 180,000 bullets.
Who Was Halcyon Anyway?
A question asked sardonically, as if they were any more interesting than any of the other players.
Someone that knew their halcyon was gonna be at the business end of a sniper rifle, hence the name.
And ultimately, someone that doesn't matter anymore, because Ragnar killed them with 540,000 bullets.
A Real Renaissance Man
It turns out the Road to Valhalla is more than just a family of vikings.
It's a family that runs an extermination business too.
If you're looking for a business recommendation then look no further than Pest, Ragnar killing him with 110,000 bullets and eradicating the AR ARE ARSEHOLES colony along with him.
Turn That Frown Upside Down
Is what I would have said had this attempt been successful, but alas. Cuddles founded Th3 MoTh3RsHiP and quickly got to work trying to put the family on the map.
Unfortunately for him, founding a family is a lot easier than vanquishing your foes, failing to kill Sadface with 4,000 bullets.
You Keep Using That Acronym
I do not think it means what you think it means.
At least, I definitely hope it doesn't mean first person shooter, because going by that acronym and losing your very first duel would be embarrassing.
But that's precisely what FPS did, dying when Cuddles shot him with 7,500 bullets.
Look At Him Go
Nothing warms this Editor's heart more than watching you guys overcome a learning curve and find your rhythm.
With a brand new kill under his belt, Cuddles was that much more enthused to silence the one that could tarnish the legacy he was building.
So he made sure that Sadface would never be able to speak again, killing him with 3,000 bullets.
When's the Next Paper?
I truly cannot stress enough that it depends entirely on what you guys make me Google when it's time to write them.
Yao inevitably returned results for Yao Ming, and any thoughts of paper editing were quickly consumed by the idle fascination that comes with wondering how human heads can get so square.
But I guess it's a good thing my head was in the clouds, because it allowed me to watch Sky kill Yao with 35,000 bullets.
Get Ready For a Whole Lot of This
Hm? Oh, nothing. I was just musing.
First he found his rhythm, and then he really caught his stride. Cuddles found the magic number and added six more victims to his death toll, killing Alan, Asmongold, Brooks, Insolitox, Pow, and Universe with 7,500 bullets each.
A Little Adjustment
They might be easy to overlook, but bullets really start to add up when you start pinching and saving where you can.
With that in mind, it looks like Th3 MoTh3RsHiP has been experimenting with just how much they can optimize their weaponry. Cuddles left the ship to add some more kills to his belt, shooting Melly and KingStevie with 7,000 bullets each before returning to their home planet.
You Win Some
And you lose some.
The fun thing is it happens around here all the time, whether your opponent is fighting back or not. Sky can tell you all about how he had to chase down Tema twice to kill him, because 30,000 bullets just wasn't enough the first time around.
Must Have Been a Magnification Scope Challenge
There's been quite the debate brewing around here. The people with time versus the people without it.
The people with time have the luxury of visiting our fine bullet and kevlar factories without needing to fight over limited stock.
But you know what else they have time for? Noticing when something doesn't quite add up, Dog suspecting Scope of masquerading as a new player with ill intentions and killing them with 300,000 bullets.
Feed Your Harbinger Trees Well
One of my favorite tribal myths is that of a mad, shapeless god who rules an endless black ocean.
The myth ends when the shapeless god reaches up from the ocean and tears down the sky. Burger doesn't strike me as a believer because they didn't shoot enough to add a new body to their corpse stockpile zone, failing to kill Sky with 187,000 bullets.
Who Could Have Predicted This Would Happen
Everyone, really. If you're a loyal reader, you probably remember this trick from last round.
It turns out Ragnar wasn't a viking after all, just another mafioso with a holier than thou complex and a hidden agenda.
He abandoned the Road to Valhalla to go home to Adrenaline Rush, but he left the family a parting gift, killing Sky with 475,000 bullets.
It's Actually Dinner Before Dessert
Oh, who am I kidding? The last thing I'm gonna try to teach you savages about is a food pyramid.
Some of you will throw a tantrum at the mere mention of a vegetable, while others single-handedly prop up the fast food industry with the fleet of takeaways you get delivered to your door.
At the end of the day it's a moot point because Haribo is a serial snacker that doesn't fall into either category, killing Burger with 187,000 bullets.
That's One Way to Commit Suicide
Thinking about russian roulette but trying to avoid a vacation to the grippy sock realm? Step into my office, I'll let you in on a little secret.
There's actually a neat trick to it. You just have to have a death wish and pick someone with a really strong counter attack. Suicide did just that when he tried to kill Haribo with 831,711 bullets, the latter's backfire of 325,000 bullets making quick work of him. Death never ever seemed so touchable.
You Want A Ban?
Just kidding. I can mute you guys now, but chances are I probably won't.
If you're really looking to catch a ban, I'd steer you in Ragnar's direction. If you don't shoot enough, he'll do you a favor and ban you to the shadow realm.
That's exactly what happened when Banned tried to take him out with 181,221 bullets, dying when his shot failed and Ragnar responded with a backfire of 180,000 bullets.
You're Cheesin' Fam
There's a lot of definitions for the word cheesin' when it comes to me, so I'll do you a favor and give you a hint.
In this context, cheesin' means purposefully failing shots with the intention of climbing the leaderboard.
At least I guess that's what Spook was doing, because I can't imagine he thought 18,000 bullets would actually kill Dog. At least he got lucky and narrowly avoided Dog's backfire of 60,000 bullets. Silver linings, aye?
You Have No Idea What It Takes to Run a Business
At least, that's the conclusion I have to draw when you guys keep insisting a dude that's declared bankrupty six times is a 'real' business man.
But that's beside the point. The truth is, it's just as hard to run a business around here as it is in the real world.
The Bullet Mule Ltd family barely got themselves established before they were wiped off the map, Ragnar killing Bot with 200,000 bullets and putting them out of business.
If I Had Known You Guys Couldn't Handle Ghost Stories
I would have built a campfire a long time ago and banned the word kumbaya from being uttered around it immediately.
It's a bonfire, turn the lights out. Ragnar's burning everything you guys keep talking 'bout.
And he got his latest victim before they had a chance to jumpscare him, killing Spook with 200,000 bullets.
That's it. Tour's over, but we've got just enough time left for a lackluster finish.
Huh, well that's embarrassing.
I don't have a moment for you because I keep wandering in and out of the server like a feral raccoon. Help an Editor out and message your submissions to Poggerz.
Hero & Zero
And finally, the section your egos have all been waiting for - Hero & Zero. This edition's Hero is Haribo, and this edition's Zero is ItzLiammm.
Hero
A new round means a new rank race, and Haribo was our lucky winner this time. Getting to rank 30 is no easy feat, especially when you're public enemy number one, but he persevered and tanked 1,214,711 bullets to cross the finish line and usher in a new era of Godfathers - The SFS('s?). Congrats, Haribo!
Zero
Failing a shot is bad enough, but failing on a level 1 account that had no kevlar twice is even worse. Better luck next time, ItzLiammm.
I don't have any sponsors to tell you about this time, so I'm gonna go ahead and sign off- "Is that it? You didn't even interview anybody..."
Interviewing people requires the consistent ability to talk to people, champ. Mission failed. We'll get 'em next time, boys.
Thanks for checking out this round's first edition of UK-Mafia Times - Pidgeon Edition.
I'm just in time to tell you that we're running this round's only donation promo right now. You can get an extra redeem code for donations of £25 or more until midnight.
We're also currently running a smuggle event, so get out of here, I'm sure you guys have numbers to run and routes to manage. "But when will we see each other again?"
I don't really know...but until then you can keep my essence contagious, that's okay with me.
UK-Mafia Times - Pidgeon Edition 2
Oop, looks like you guys are still doing your thing. Let me just find a safe perch so I can do mine. But while I'm looking...
What's New?
Are you kidding me? This paper is fresh off the presses, and if you just couldn't wait to read it I'm delighted to report:
• Ghost re-enabled viewing of the paper from the index page for those without accounts. Can you guys believe I shot him in another life? That's right, classic villain confession - I've been the evil staff member all along.
We did such an efficient sweep the first time (and I've had such an efficient turn around time in publishing this edition) that I don't have much to tell you about. Check it out:
• Fixed a small issue with achievements and updated affected data.
UK Mafia Graveyard
This tree seems nice for now. Do you guys ever come to appreciate how quiet our graveyard is? You should, considering you're the ones that keep necessitating new plots - let's get into it.
Being Brave Doesn't Mean Go Looking for Trouble
But Simba laughs in the face of danger.
They kicked off a chilly Sunday by taking aim and firing 36,397 bullets Haribo's way.
Unfortunately, bravery didn't get them very far, failing the attempt and dying to his backfire of 170,000 bullets.
With a Ripple Effect in Motion
It should come as no surprise that Ripple threw his hat in the ring.
About 4 hours after Simba's attempt he shot Haribo with 30,000 bullets.
But Haribo is no slouch when it comes to defending himself, his restocked backfire of 160,000 bullets killing Ripple.
With Just a Little Momentum
A ripple can multiply and become a wave before you know it.
If you love a good underdog story, I'm happy to report that fortune favored the one bold enough to ride it. Zombie spent his time hunting bullets instead of brains and killed Ragnar with 1,404,953 of them, pulling off the biggest shot we've seen thus far this round.
If You Want to Kill an Infection
You need to hoard first aid sprays, conserve ammo, and venture directly to its source. Haribo has certainly mastered that second feat, because his next shot topped the 330,000 bullets his backfire had already doled out that day.
My sources can't confirm how many nonsensical puzzles he had to solve to infiltrate The Bald Crew's lair, but they can tell you Haribo killed Zombie with 550,000 bullets.
Mosey Your Way Over
And join the new farming cult forming within our community. It doesn't want much, just...your whole life.
Haha, I'm just kidding around, right? Either way, I do have a scoop about someone taking a whole life. Haribo laid low and regrouped for two days before launching his second attack on The Bald Crew, killing Moo with 400,000 bullets.
One of These Things Is Not Like The Others
It's good to know that The Bald Crew is an accepting family, because last time I checked Lagertha had a long head of hair.
It's a shame we'll never see it in all of its glory again, because I'm sad to report it was just styled and braided for the very last time. Haribo opted for a surprise attack in the early afternoon after two shots under the cover of night, killing Lagertha with 300,000 bullets.
I Bet You Thought
I was gonna make a Thirteen Reasons Why reference, but I'm here to inform you I'm actually a fan of the classics.
The classics being Thir13en Ghosts, because I'll find any excuse to watch a Matthew Lillard movie that's nearly as old as I am.
I'm also here to inform you that Haribo killed Thirteen with 270,000 bullets, capturing another spirit from The Bald Crew to add to his twisted labyrinth.
If You a Member Throw the Gang Up
Sorry, did I say gang? I should have said clan, because it turns out The Bald Crew also hosts a lycanthrope chapter.
It's clear that Werewolf was skilled when it came to gathering resources, but his ability to identify moon phases could use a little work.
He tried to kill Haribo with 1,204,179 bullets during a waxing gibbous, but he should have waited for a full moon, dying to Haribo's backire of 150,000 bullets.
If the Game Ever Has You Tilted
Take a deep breath and say it with me: Forgive the person and their actions, never give in to hate.
Let it go, set it free, and karma will take care of what is meant to be.
Kind of like how Karma took care of Burg3r when he killed him with 200,000 bullets.
Very Superstitious Writings On the Wall
You know that old wive's tale about hair growing back faster each time you cut it?
I've never been one to believe it, but after the round you guys have had thus far, I certainly believe bald heads grow back faster each time you cut them off.
The war of attrition between Adrenaline Rush and The Bald Crew rages on, Haribo killing Bald with 275,000 bullets.
That was fun, but I think I'm gonna head back to my favorite perch now. These days I spend most of my time camping in the voice chat to enjoy the cozy farming vibes, but let's see if you guys were funny in the text-based channels we offer...
After countless requests for more Stu content in the paper, Ghost casually dropped some of the exciting things you might find in the next edition...
Did seeing this moment give you FOMO? You should join us, I can assure you that FOMO is something a good chunk of our community can relate to.
Already part of the Discord fam but crave seeing your name in lights? Message your moments to Poggerz, all reader submissions are credited.
Hero & Zero
Prepare for trouble, and make it double - it's time for our second edition's Hero and Zero. This edition's Hero is Zombie, and this edition's Zeroes are The Kansas City Chiefs.
Hero
Zombie takes home the Hero trophy this time for killing Ragnar with 1,404,953 bullets, simultaneously pulling off this round's biggest shot so far and proving that there wasn't, in fact, an issue with the bullet factories on their end.
Zero
With everyone working so hard towards the goals they've set for this round, I'm struggling to find someone deserving of the Zero trophy this time around, so I've decided to give it to The Kansas City Chiefs for their sub-par Superbowl performance. It may not be the rings they were hoping for, but a trophy is still a trophy.
Alright, my little birds, it's that time again. Did you have fun? "I didn't know you could write short editions too, what gives?"
I'm on a journey right now, champ. I'm finding out I can do lots of things. Who knows? I might even do an interview next time...
Thanks for checking out the second edition of UK-Mafia Times - Pidgeon Edition.
I've got a farm to get back to, so if you're sticking around, make sure to turn the lights off before you go. "But where's the light switch?"
You're joking, right? It's up in the rafters where I keep all my scribbled notes and discarded kinder wrappers. I don't actually use any of this furniture, it's there for the rest of the staff to enjoy.
UK-Mafia Times - Pidgeon Edition 3
Ha, didn't see me there, did you? Don't worry, friends - it's by design. I've learned to become one with the background, and thus have mastered the art of flying under the radar.
What's New?
I'd say the fact that you guys are getting a third edition already is pretty new. Look at how far we've come since humble beginnings. But in other news:
• Just kidding. I don't have any updates or bug fixes for you, but that banner is just too good to skip. Meet me at the graveyard.
UK Mafia Graveyard
Right - file in, grab your snacks, grab your seats. You guys are interrupting my new favorite show, so let's make this another quick one, yeah?
Why Choose Pandrol?
Well, according to their website, Pandrol maximizes railway availability, safety, and sustainable lifetime value.
Why did Haribo choose Pandrol? For being a member of The Bald Crew, of course.
Next time you board a train I suggest you keep your head on a swivel, Haribo executing Pandrol with 200,000 bullets.
Put That Thing Back Where It Came From or so Help Me
Did you know that it's actually illegal to import most species of mongoose into the United States?
Yeah, turns out they'll do a number on your local ecosystems instead of just killing rats and snakes like you wanted. Haribo decided to nip the problem in the bud by giving them an exctintion event of their own, killing Mongoose with 300,000 bullets.
Ya Gotta Be Quicker Than That
But not so quick that you miss a digit and make a fool of yourself, y'know?
If you spent Valentine's Day alone and threw yourself a pity party, I'm delighted to report we hired a clown to remind you that things can't be bad all of the time.
For his first trick, Haribo shot Salah with 25,000 bullets instead of 250,000 bullets, failing his shot and wasting the viruses he sent along in the process.
A Word of Advice
Take absolutely nobody at their word around here, especially if they say things like "trust me" or "scout's honor." The Bald Crew may not have the best track record, but they certainly never give up. Salah attempted to kill Haribo with 579,050 bullets, but met his end when he triggered a backfire of 150,000 bullets.
Before this attempt Haribo had boasted that one like it would prompt him to play Russian Roulette, but something tells me you'll get this edition before that happens. Scout's honor.
A Gateway Beyond
In some ways, a staircase is really just a cumbersome bridge to the other side - but in all other ways, it's just kind of...there.
Weirdly enough, that's all I can really say about Staircase too. Sometimes, they served a purpose, but otherwise, they were just kind of there.
And kind of like a staircase, eventually they got stepped on, Haribo killing them with 200,000 bullets.
Break Out the Abacus
We've all got our reasons for being here. Some of us like the clicking, some of us like the subterfuge, and some of us just like a good laugh every now and then.
Oh, and some of us really like counting all the bullets we get our hands on and what we use them for. Haribo falls into that final group I mentioned, killing MaCCa with 175,000 bullets and gleefully announcing his total bullets shot had reached 5 million as he did so.
A Degradation in Time
Historically speaking, the ace has enjoyed quite the come up. It was traditionally associated with bad luck before playing cards rebranded it to mean high-quality excellence.
Unfortunately, our community's Ace didn't have the same come up. Quite the opposite, actually. Karma killed Ace with 20,000 bullets before retreating to the cover of his Night Club.
New Family
Same old killer. Haribo decided to spread his wings and found the xoxox family, and who better to take notice than The Palace of Love? Domino kicked off a steamy back and forth and shot Haribo with 671,458 bullets, but his opponent's hugs and kisses were too powerful, surviving the attempt and killing Domino with his backfire of 150,000 bullets before playing a deadly game of Russian Roulette about twenty minutes later.
Okay, go on, get outta here. I'm the only one that's allowed to wander around here at night, and that's only because the groundskeeper has accepted that keeping a pidgeon away is more trouble than it's worth.
If you love a good callback, FreeStyle revived the joke that made my very first edition and scarred Taylor all over again.
And then he got creative with some Netflix title cards.
If you've got a moment you'd like to see in a future edition, message it to Poggerz. If you've got anything else you'd like to see in a future edition you can message that too, I'm always down to add new columns if there's fun to be had.
Hero & Zero
And now we roll the highlights and the blooper reel - it's time for this edition's Hero and Zero. This edition's Hero is you, and this edition's Zero is Haribo.
Hero
If you're reading this, congrats, you take home a Hero trophy this time around. I know I haven't really been the liveliest presence lately, so thanks for being here. It means a lot.
Zero
Haribo posthumously takes home the Zero trophy this time for missing a zero when he tried to shoot Salah, his itchy trigger finger costing him a pretty penny in the viruses he sent along, and ultimately, his shot. He recently lost his life to a game of Russian Roulette, so I'll make sure to drop it off at his headstone.
Alright, I'm gonna sign off again. "Are we ever going to visit the cafe again?"
Maybe some day. I just don't really have it in me right now. If you've got something you want to say, send it my way and I'll drop your confessionals in the next edition.
Thanks for checking out the third edition of UK-Mafia Times - Pidgeon Edition.
Take care.
